The Chronicles of Jish

So, I don't usually do this.

2011-08-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

But it's almost midnight on a Monday and everyone I know is asleep. And damn it all, I just need to vent.

I currently find myself going through one hell of a panic attack. About money. And my future. And my job. And men. Of course, the men.

But mostly about money. You see, I drive a 2002 Saturn Vue. I bought it when I was 20. I loved it. It was good to me. It took me places. It was admired by all. But now, she is a ticking time bomb. The check engine light stays on permanently. I have found myself stranded on the side of the road on more than one occasion. The horn doesn't work. The AC doesn't work. The blinker picks and chooses when it wants to work. All in all, I'm in a lemon.

The time has come to be a big girl and purchase a new car. It simply must be done. There's absolutely no way around it. Especially considering that The Mechanic Ex just inexplicably told me he never wants to talk to me again (oh, the men) and that was my hook-up on free labor for The Vue. A new car must be procured.

But in recent years, with student loans and credit cards and a lack of a solid foundation for responsible financial practices, I find my credit to be in the "not good" range. Of course. So securing a loan with a decent interest rate is highly unlikely. I'm pretty much going to get raped on that one. Which would be fine, if I had a decent, well-paying job thanks to that fancy, expensive degree I'm killing myself to pay for...

But, I don't. Of course. Working at the bank plus part time as a nanny? I'm over it. Over it doesn't even begin to describe it. I am desperately seeking a job that pays me like I have a college degree. The average income in this country is $42,000. Is $42,000 that much to ask for? I don't think it is! This $11.56/hour thing just isn't cutting it anymore. I cannot exist on that. Especially when Vues are dying and my future home-buying potential is being threatened.

Sigh. I feel like I'm suffocating right now. I know that something will work out in the end, but I would love if something would work out in the beginning.

Underwhelmed

2011-02-27T23:44:00.000-06:00

That is my feeling after the Oscars tonight. I've been eagerly anticipating this night for a while. Oscar fashion is one of my favorite things in the world. Not tonight's fashion.

Biggest disappointments of the evening: Natalie Portman, Jennifer Lawrence, and Nicole Kidman. Natalie chose a great color, but the cut and fit was so boring. Jennifer apparently didn't get the memo that this is the Oscars and she should make an effort. And Nicole stopped wowing on the red carpet long ago.

I was indifferent to a lot of the dresses. Michelle Williams and Amy Adams both shimmered, but didn't blow me away. Melissa Leo's collar and fit were dreadful.

That being said, there were some fashion winners tonight. In no particular order:

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang Sandra looked fabulous tonight. Red is definitely a great color on her, and after the questionable bangs on Golden Globes night, the updo is refreshing.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein Collection I'm digging the shimmer and shine, and her hair looks its best when it's pin-straight.

Halle Berry in Marchesa If not for the unfortunate tulle mess haphazardly attached at the bottom, this would probably be my favorite for the whole evening.

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchesa This kid is adorable and she knows how to dress like she's 14. I love the tea-length and I love the headband.

Helen Mirren Speaking of knowing how to dress your age...Helen Mirren is always a knockout. She always dresses age-appropriately and looks amazing for her age.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere I'm digging the shimmer, the color and the feathers. All the makings for a fabulous Oscar gown.

Mandy Moore in Monique Lhullier I very, very, very rarely like anything that Mandy wears. So for her to make my top ten on Oscar night, she has to be wearing something good. Yes, this is good.

Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James Couture The dress is 60 years old and it stood out among a sea of brand new couture. Bravo, Marisa. Also, the color looked a little more eggplant on tv. Not sure which way I like it better.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab I have to admit, when I first saw it, I thought "meh". Then I saw it again, and it grew on me. Then it grew more, and more. Now, I'm digging it.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana My sister said it was okay, but I loved it. My favorite of the night. I adore the color and the fit. And after her Golden Globes hair disaster, the messy bob is wonderful. A bit casual, but great.

Epic failure of a week

2011-02-14T00:11:00.000-06:00

Seven days go by way too fast, especially when one is a procrastinator like myself. I have these goals, and I always think, "It's only Monday. I have plenty of time to accomplish all of these goals by Sunday night." And then things happen like watching television and going out for drinks and getting sick and seeing friends, and all of a sudden it is Sunday night and none of my goals have been accomplished.

So yeah. This week I got in ZERO of my 150 workout minutes. I didn't stretch at all on any of my mornings. I bought Brussels sprouts as my weekly veggie but haven't cooked them. And I believe I ate out...five times this week instead of once. Plus, I seriously slacked on my water and vitamin intake. Horrible, awful week.

This week, my goal is to accomplish all of my goals. Plan for what I know is coming. Monday I watch TV. Perhaps some weights whilst watching Brad hand out roses? Tuesday, I have a meeting at work and then a friend is coming over. Have dinner already cooked or prepped? No AM job at all this week. Set my alarm for five minutes earlier to do some stretches and yoga poses? Cook my Brussels sprouts on Wednesday, when I know I'll have the time and no other plans? Not difficult.

Happy Day of Love to all of you!

{Drool}

2011-02-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

Sometime last year, on one of their seasonal menus, Kerbey Lane had the most perfect sandwich ever created. It was a grilled cheese to the nth degree. It had aged white cheddar from a local producer. It had fresh natural bacon from a local producer. And it had sliced green pears from, yes, a local producer. And it was all on sourdough bread that had been buttered and grilled. It was absolute perfection.

And now, I have decided I must have one. I had never considered eating a grilled cheese with meat and fruit on it, but since I have discovered this incredible dish, I have decided it must be mine forever.

I begin my search this weekend for the most delicious gluten-free bread I can find. Unfortunately, gluten-free bread that is delicious is an oxymoron. I must find something acceptable because I will just die if I cannot have this sandwich ever again.

The incredible shrinking woman?

2011-02-06T21:42:00.000-06:00

I'm proud to report that my short term goals are going splendidly. And by achieving my short term goals, I'm working on my intermediate goals. And those intermediate goals? Yup, helping me out with the long term goals. Funny how that all works, no?

All of my goals really center on my health and fitness, but in the grand scheme of things, its improving my quality of life. I feel this overwhelming sense of empowerment since going gluten-free. I took control of my health and have honestly never felt better. The depression has disappeared. I have more energy and zest for life. So really, improving the health and fitness is just building on that feeling. And if I can take control of my health, and I can rid myself of depression that has had it's grip on me for years, it shouldn't be a huge leap to rid myself of the extra weight I've carried around with me for my entire life. I'm not saying it won't be difficult and a tremendous undertaking with setbacks and frustration, but it's a challenge I'm more than willing to take.

My long term goal is really just one, in terms of health and weight: I want to get to 150 lbs. It's a healthy, manageable weight for my height of 5'7. It will be a long, long journey from where I am now to 150, but it will be worth the time and effort. And really, I'd be happy with 165. That's at the very end of the "normal" range for me in terms of BMI. But 150 is the ultimate goal. That, and a single digit dress size.

My intermediate goals center around a few different events. The first is on May 3rd. I joined the Austin Junior Forum and May 3rd is the fancy, cocktail attire dinner they hold to introduce new members. So this chick will need a cocktail dress. Then, one month later on June 4th, my friend Breanna is getting married in Colorado. It will be the first time I see a large number of my friends in well over a year. Once again, will be wearing a dress. Right now I wear an 18, sometimes a 20. (Sigh.) By the time I go shopping for these two events, I would like to be down to a 14. I'd even be happy with a loose 16, but a 14 would be ideal. You know why? Because most stores carry up to a 14. I'm not going to put a weight loss number on this goal, and say I must lose X amount of lbs. to get to a 14. But I have the thought it will be at least 50. I've had a good start with about 15 in January. But I will have to bust my ass to get there.

Any opinions, advice or general comments are appreciated. Do you think it's doable? Impossible?

Switching things up a bit

2011-02-02T22:04:00.000-06:00

I had gotten in the habit of planning my weekly menus to start on Mondays, with grocery shopping done Sunday night. That worked in theory, but not quite. I typically buy food for five meals, and eat leftover or go out for the other two nights. The way it was before, I'd cook M-F, then eat leftovers on the weekends. Two problems with this: I have more time to cook on the weekends and cooking on Monday and Tuesday makes it hard to watch The Bachelor and Biggest Loser, respectively.

So this week, I decided to do things a little differently. I plan to cook Wednesday through Sunday, and eat leftovers at the beginning of the week. So far it's working out ok, except for having to go grocery shopping after work on a Wednesday night.

This week's menu:

Wednesday: Roasted Salmon with Mixed Roasted Veggies
Thursday: Salmon Croquettes with Baked Sweet Potatoes and Peas
Friday: Grilled Chicken and Roasted Beet Salad with Champagne Vinegarette
Saturday: Homemade Burrito Bowl with Grilled Chicken
Sunday: G-F Macaroni and Cheese with Salad

Happy eating everyone!

Progress

2011-01-31T22:29:00.000-06:00

Progress is all I can really ask of myself these days. Perfection is out of the question. And I refuse to let myself fail. So progress it is. If I slip up, I make a mental note of the mistake and I move forward.

My January goals went remarkably well. No, they were not perfect, but in the past 31 days, I have definitely moved forward and not backward, and that's all that I ask of myself. In review, I ate 90% of my meals at home, dosed myself with about 11 vitamins daily (with only one day that I forgot), and drank so. much. water. Two liters every day! And at the end of the month, I find myself 17 pounds lighter. How's that for progress?

February's goals will build on those accomplishments. I will continue to cook at home, allowing myself one meal out per week. It could be dinner at a restaurant or grabbing lunch downtown, but once I've had my one weekly meal, that's it until the following week.

I also will buy and cook one new vegetable every week. I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to veggies, and I've tried just about all of them out there. But I tend to stick to my safe veggies that I buy: zucchini, broccoli, asparagus, spinach. I'm kind of in a vegetable rut. So I need to branch out and learn to cook something new. This week, I'm going with beets. I plan to roast them and serve them in a salad.

Finally, the fitness goals. I tried to focus on making new habits and sticking to them in January and didn't pay much attention to exercise. This month, it gets incorporated. My goal is 150 minutes every week. That's 2.5 hours, divided through the week however I want. Even if I go on a 15 minute walk four days in a row, then spend an hour and a half at the gym for the fifth day. The key is to just build the habit. I also want to get a quick five minute stretch in every morning.

I hope everyone had a fabulous first month to this year! Keep at it in February.

Thin & Minty

2011-01-29T21:29:00.000-06:00

Over the past several months, the transition from eating gluten to going gluten-free has been surprisingly easy. If I craved pizza, I ordered the G-F crust from Austin's Pizza. If I needed a beer, I drank hard cider instead. Cookies and muffins and bread are all easy to find at the stores. All of my cravings have been sated.

Until Monday morning. On Monday, I walked into work and my coworker informed me that she had an order form for Girl Scout cookies her granddaughter was selling. She immediately realized her mistake in offering me the cookies and apologized. I told her it was fine but I have spent many hours in the past week thinking of Thin Mints. Yeah, the Samoas and the Trefoils and Tagalongs are all delicious, but there is something about a Thin Mint cookie that just makes me happy. And I don't usually care for mint in any other foods or desserts. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream? No, thanks.

But ohmigod, Thin Mints. Straight from the freezer. Crushed up on top of ice cream. Or with a glass of milk. There is just no acceptable replacement for a Thin Mint. I can't run to the store and find G-F Thin Mints waiting for me.

This makes me sad. It also gets my creative juices flowing. Can I produce something that remotely resembles a Thin Mint? I think I just might have to try.

The week in food

2011-01-23T21:40:00.000-06:00

First off, everything I made last week was delicious. I only made three of my five planned dishes due to an unexpected social evening downtown on Wednesday, but those three rocked. The shrimp and grits were cheesy and buttery and amazing. The shrimp tomato chowder was hearty and filling, and perfect for cold weather. And the veggie enchiladas I made on Friday have lasted through the weekend and will be tomorrow's lunch. My vegetarian sister gave her approval by eating about four of them. Those recipes will definitely stay in the dinner rotation.

For the upcoming week, I have ground beef and chicken breasts as my proteins. I will move my two chicken dishes from last week up to this week, but not until Tuesday and Thursday.

Monday: G-F Swedish Meatballs with Mashed Potatoes and Roasted Asparagus
I read somewhere that ricotta cheese can take the place of breadcrumbs in meatballs. Testing that theory with this recipe.

Tuesday: Pan-fried Chicken Strips and G-F Waffles with Fruit Salad
Haven't tried G-F waffles yet. I've been told they're pretty bland, so I have plenty of butter and syrup on hand. Just in case.

Wednesday: Wild Mushroom Fricassee over Polenta with Spinach Salad
From Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals II (Not a fan of her as a person so much, but some of her recipes are pretty interesting.)

Thursday: Thai Chicken Soup
Two trips to two different HEBs and no sight of green curry paste. I got red, so no big deal, but this soup better be worth it.

Friday: Shepherd's Pie with Spinach Salad
Out of a 2008 issue of Rachael Ray's Magazine. Horseradish mashed potatoes on top of ground beef and veggies in a beef broth sauce.

Saturday (maybe): Grilled Chicken with Green Bean Gremolata
Secret you thank me for later: take any green vegetable that is pretty boring on it's own, and make a gremolata for it. Minced garlic, parsley, lemon zest and kosher salt. Grind it all together with your chef's knife and sprinkle it over the veggies. Instant incredible flavor.

This looks like a pretty good week of recipes, but I am most excited about the Swedish Meatballs!

The sun has come out again

2011-01-23T14:53:00.000-06:00

Not literally. It's cloudy and gray here again. I'm ready for sunshine and warm breezes.

But figuratively? Yes! The sun has come out again for me. It's no secret that I've dealt with depression for the last couple of years. Or really, the last decade if I want to be honest with myself. But in the last two years, it has been bad. Seeing-a-psychiatrist-and-taking-medication bad. I had no energy and no motivation. Waking up and getting out of bed every day was a huge ordeal. Just making it to work every day was a chore. I didn't want to be social. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It was a dark period in my life.

But in the last two months, I've felt a change occurring. I have more energy and motivation than I can remember having in a long time. I smile and laugh more. I spend more time with friends. And most importantly, this change has occurred without the medication. I took myself off of them a little over a month ago. I felt the same off of them that I did on them. So what was the point?

I really feel like going off of the gluten is one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better. It's hard to be happy-go-lucky and feel good mentally when you feel so poor physically. Food allergies also cause a lot of inflammation, including in the brain.

So, now that I'm feeling better, I'm making a list of all the things I want to do that I have not been doing in recent times. My list of hobbies I want to try for the first time or take up anew are:

Learning Spanish. N. is currently downloading Rosetta Stone for me.
Drawing classes. I've never been particularly artistic, but I want to learn how to draw the human body more than anything. Maybe one of those classes with a nude model? Who knows.
Photography classes. Also want to invest in a good camera when my finances allow for it.
Volunteering. Joining Austin Junior Forum this month and looking into working at Town Lake Animal Center on some weekends.
Cooking classes. Whole Foods offers a few gluten-free classes I want to try.
Boxing lessons. I found a boxing gym in North Austin that has received good reviews and promises to get me in awesome shape.
Dance classes. Ballroom and/or ballet. No dance skills at all. This one should be fun.
Hiking in various areas around Austin.
Joining a co-ed softball team. It's been almost six years since I stopped playing and I miss it.
Joining a running group, like USA Fit. I ideally want to train for a half marathon.
A book club. I need to read more, and I would love to discuss literature with other people.

This is just the beginning of my list of things I want to do. I plan to continually add to it. I'm so excited to have things to look forward to again!

This week's menu

2011-01-17T16:58:00.000-06:00

Being that I live alone and only cook for myself, I don't see the need for an extensive menu every week. I've decided to stick to two proteins per week, and make two meals out of each. Last week, I picked pork chops and flank steak. Outside of those four meals, everything else will have to be vegetarian. It will save costs and be healthier in general to not have meat at every meal.

This week, I'm picking shrimp and chicken. Shrimp meals will be tomorrow and Wednesday, followed by a vegetarian meal for Thursday, and then chicken on Friday and Saturday. I don't want to buy a pound of raw shrimp and then have it sit in my fridge until Friday. Also, I'm not cooking tonight. With Erin in town this past weekend, I cooked a huge pot of risotto and a full pan of cabbage, potatoes and sausage. I just finished the cabbage today for lunch and I'll turn the risotto into pan-fried risotto cakes for dinner tonight. I also have half of a roasted chicken left that I will make into a chicken salad to take for lunch tomorrow.

Last week, I loved my cabbage and pork chops, but was sadly disappointed by the pork stir fry. Not sure if I did something wrong, but it lacked flavor. The grilled flank steak and creamed spinach was delicious. I had to force myself to put the leftovers in the fridge, rather than eat all of it for dinner. That good.

This week's menu is as follows:

Tuesday: Lemon Garlic Shrimp & Grits from December's issue of Food Network Magazine
Wednesday: Creamy Shrimp & Tomato Chowder
Thursday: Vegetable Enchiladas in a Creamy Tomatillo Sauce
Friday: Chicken & Waffles
Saturday: Thai Chicken Soup from November's issue of Food Network Magazine

Happy Third (?!?!?) Week of January everyone!

And the Golden Globe goes to...

2011-01-16T22:04:00.001-06:00

I've been watching this show since the very beginning, and I actually am not really sure who won what. Except that Mad Men has not won anything. And I am not OK with that.

I was not disappointed with tonight's fashion at all. I actually had a hard time narrowing down my favorite dresses. There was plenty of color, interesting designs, accessories, and gorgeous detailing all around. That being said, there were plenty that will make the Worst Dressed list tomorrow morning.

On to my top 12 picks:

Best color: Kyra Sedgewick in Emilio Pucci

I love the mango-tangerine-other fruit color of this dress. Also loved the turquoise earrings with it.

Best print: Heidi Klum in unknown

I love Heidi for not wearing expected or boring to these award shows. Love the colors in this print, too.

Best sparkle: Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive

Not always a fan of Anne's red carpet choices, but I love this one. Head to toe shimmer is good.

Best minimalist: Dianna Agron in J. Mendel

I do not watch Glee, but I have loved this chick since she started showing up. Love this simple look.

Best nude: Scarlett Johannson in Elie Saab

Aside from the awful hair, I love this nude dress with the sparkles and tulle. Also love the sleeves.

Best ruffles: Julie Bowen in Tadashi Shoji

Love the greige color of this dress and the gorgeous, but not over-the-top ruffles.

Best one-shoulder: Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham

I love that one-shouldered dresses outnumbered the strapless ones. And this was my fave.

Best black: Julia Stiles in Romona Keveza

Love the tulle on the bodice. It's far from basic.

Best figure-flattery: Christina Hendricks in Romona Keveza

My girlfriend gets an automatic pass onto the list, but I love the fit of her dress. And I love that she isn't afraid to wear red as a redhead.

Best non-traditional: Michelle Williams in Valentino

She is so adorable, I forget how much I disliked her back in the Dawson's Creek days. This dress in unexpected for the Globes.

Best long-sleeved: Angelina Jolie in Versace

She is covered up but still sexy in this dress. Again, I love that everything isn't strapless...

Best overall: Olivia Wilde in Marchesa

...but, my favorite of the night IS strapless! LOVE this dress. Olivia looks smashing and the sparklies are wonderful!

I am eagerly looking forward to the Oscars and the pretty dresses it will bring!

My so-called diet

2011-01-16T18:00:00.000-06:00

So, my goals so far are going great. I've been cooking at home for every meal, except for dinner with Erin this weekend (more on that to come in just a moment), I've taken all of my vitamins every morning, and I've had 2 liters of water every day. That last one definitely comes with a price. I think on Wednesday I counted 16 trips to the bathroom. 16! Ridiculous. But, the upside? I've lost four pounds this week. I know it's just water weight being flushed out. But still. Four pounds without really trying is nice.

And it's not like I was eating super healthfully either. This week I have eaten: pork chops, stir fry, steak, creamed spinach, risotto, lamb shank, potatoes, chocolate ice cream, pecan shortbread, creme brulee and several other delicious things. Not to mention ~~many~~ a few glasses of wine. All delicious and all gluten-free.

Dinner plans with Erin were set before I made my goal of not eating out. So we headed downtown last night with the intention of going to Bess. She had never been and I've been twice. I had my heart set on sea scallops with risotto. But the other eight thousand people there had similar plans. There was a two hour wait. No, thanks. So we walked a few blocks down Sixth and went to The Belmont. I had been here once before, for my birthday two years ago, and I remembered it being good. There was a half hour wait and open seats at the bar. Yes, please.

Bess who? My dinner was hands down one of the top ten meals of my life. That good. I ordered the lamb shank. Included were pistachio butter, polenta with celery root, swiss chard, and roasted beets with whole garlic cloves. Incredible. And the creme brulee we split was perfection. I was slightly worried about my food coming out contaminated with gluten. My waitress didn't seem to know what exactly had gluten and what didn't. She wasn't sure if I could have hominy, polenta or grits. (They are all corn and gluten-free.) But I'm happy to report no rash or side effects from my dinner.

So my goal for this coming week? Less wine and dessert. Cut the wine down to two glasses (for the week, not per night...) and two servings of ice cream. Hopefully, water weight will continue to come off.

January goals

2011-01-12T13:22:00.000-06:00

I've read on a few other blogs that monthly goals are way easier to stick with than yearly resolutions. Makes sense. So I made a few for this month:

Eat every meal at home (or pack my lunch for work). It is ridiculous how much money it costs to eat lunch downtown every day. Or go out to dinner. So I'm saving money and being healthier by cooking breakfast and dinner every day, and taking leftovers for lunch. Going well.
Take vitamins every day. Sitting next to my counter, I have bottles of Evening Primrose Oil, Fish Oil, Woman's Daily multivitamins, Chromium tablets, CoQ10 and a few others. Unfortunately, I remember to take them about once a week. So now I'm taking them every morning before I leave. I like to think I notice a difference when I take my vitamins. Perhaps that is my overactive imagination.
Drink 2 liters of water every day. Going well. Definitely flushing the body out. Side effect: going to the bathroom about 12 times every day, and once in the middle of the night.

Already working on making my February goals. They will focus more on what I'm eating (since I'm making the habit of cooking at home) and incorporating more working out into the daily routine. Inspired by the popularity of the Barre Method workouts and the fact that my sister has left a ballet bar in my closet, I'm searching for an inexpensive Barre DVD. Perhaps one that incorporates plenty of pilates-esque moves. Also wanting to stop being a pussy and get out and run so I can do the Cap 10k in March. We'll see how that goes.

A recap, a preview, plus food!

2011-01-09T20:35:00.000-06:00

We're going to kill three birds with one stone in this epic post! Let's get to it.

Weekend Recap:
On Friday, I didn't work. It was wonderful. However, I was up at 7:00 am cleaning my apartment because my mom was in town. She had stayed the night at my sister's, but was coming to my place to spend the day. After cleaning my kitchen, doing laundry and sweeping floors, we drank coffee and lounged during the morning hours. We went to Chipotle for lunch. I eat at Chipotle regularly, but my mom had only eaten there once before and wasn't impressed. The horror. This time she got what I get and she loved it. We then proceeded to Big Lots. I went in to get dish towels, and came out with dish towels, a vacuum, a scale, lotion, spices, and some kitchen utensils. That store is dangerous. We cooked dinner at home that night. We made broiled grouper, aparagus and mushroom risotto, and roasted cauliflower. The risotto was ridiculously incredible. There are no words for how amazing it was.

Saturday, we woke up and had leftover risotto for breakfast. Yes, that good. My sister came by apartment and we enjoyed a few hours of being The Girls. We then went to meet two of my sister's friends for lunch at Torchy's Tacos. My mom had never been and we're all obsessed. It was the first time I had eaten there since going gluten-free but I got the Resolution (January's Taco of the Month) and was quite pleased. It has grilled mahi mahi, avocado slices, mango, queso fresco and the diablo sauce. We also all shared their amazing guacamole and their crack. I mean queso. My mom then had to get on the road back to Houston whiel the rest of us headed to the Town Lake Animal Center. My sister adopted a dog. It is a Great Dane/Lab mix, and her name is Stevie. She's cute. And she was free! Apparently during January, dogs over 45 lbs. are free. We had no idea but were pleasantly surprised. We used the saved money on dog things at Petsmart.

Sunday, I slept in way late. It was cold and rainy all day, so I stayed in my pajamas and laid on the couch and watched football. I also baked gluten-free chocolate cupcakes and watched Sin City. I contemplated going to the grocery store, but saw no reason to get out in the nasty weather. Groceries can wait for Monday.

This coming week should be a good one. Thursday is an awesome show going on at The Ghost Room downtown. And Friday my best friend Erin is coming in from Houston. We are planning on dinner at Bess Bistro for Friday night, and then a whole lot of fun for the weekend.

My dinners for this coming week:
Monday: Pork Chops with Sauteed Apples, Onions and Cabbage. And maybe a little apple cider gravy to go on top.

Tuesday: The rest of my pork in a stir fry with broccoli, bell peppers and snow peas. Served with rice noodles (which I bought at Big Lots for $1.00).

Wednesday: Grilled Flank Steak and Creamy Parmesan Spinach (out of October's issue of Food Network Magazine).

Thursday: I have half a package of arborio rice left from the weekend, so there will be more risotto! I think I will make this one a spinach artichoke risotto. Or perhaps I will do an assortment of wild mushrooms.

I have this dilemma

2011-01-09T13:11:00.000-06:00

I feel like I already know what I need to do, but I am still not sure it's what I want to do. I want to start dating again. In April it will be two years since I broke up with my ex. I thought we were headed for forever. (Apparently not.) I haven't really had the desire to date since the breakup. It just felt wrong somehow. I just haven't been ready. Now I feel ready.

However, I also feel like I have a lot to work on personally before diving into another serious relationship. First and foremost, my health and weight. While I know it isn't impossible, I just don't feel like anyone can really love me how I am right now. I also know that as soon as I meet someone I like, I'll spend less time working out and eating healthy, and more time cuddling while watching movies and eating takeout.

So do I really want to say that I'm not interested in dating or a relationship until I reach my ideal weight or goal of wearing a certain clothing size? It's been an eye-opening but lonely stretch of time since the break-up. I'm ready to spend time with someone else, but I think my health needs to come first. Who am I kidding? I know it needs to come first. And when I feel my best and am bursting with self confidence, I can be a better girlfriend.

So I guess this is where I'm officially going to say I'm not dating. I'll give it a few months and after some hard work, I may have a change of heart. But as of right now, I'm putting all of my energy and effort into myself.

2011, please be good to me

2011-01-01T16:59:00.000-06:00

2009 was the worst year of my life. 2010 was an improvement. Let's continue the upward trend, shall we?

This past year wasn't terrible. In 2010, I:

Ended my unemployment with a job at Bank of America. I will celebrate my one year anniversary with the company this Wednesday.
Met some amazing new friends. Dannon, what would I do without you???
Hosted Katie and Sabrina for their first visit to Austin.
Spent some wonderful time with my family and watched my nieces and nephews grow up before my eyes.
Moved into my new apartment and lived by myself for the first time in almost four years.
Got some wonderful news from my best friends. Breanna is getting married in June and Sabrina is expecting a little girl in January!
Discovered that it is possible to hate my little sister but then get over it and love her like crazy. She is truly my best friend in the world.
Made an important discovery about my health and gave up gluten forever. I realized that this didn't mean I had to give up my passion for baking.

In 2011, I hope to:

find myself in a career and position that ignites my passion and challenges me on a daily basis. I can only hope that it also pays me enough that I can pay down a significant portion of my student loans!
let go of the hurt and pain from The One I Thought Was The One, and allow myself and my heart to be open and ready for when I really do meet The One.
see new places and discover new loves. Right now, I'm making plans for a voyage to the Northwest. Portland, OR here I (hopefully) come!
let others know how much they truly mean to me. I want to let go of petty differences, not hold any grudges and spend my days loving, not fighting.
reclaim my health, once and for all. I'm continuing with a gluten-free lifestyle, but I also want to create and embrace an active lifestyle. I want to go out for a run because I WANT to and not because I feel like I HAVE to. I want to willingly and happily eat vegetables every day rather than when I feel my pants have gotten a little snug. I want to reach my fitness and weight goals. This year will be the year.
see my family more. I miss so much because I live in a different city. I want to see my nephew play basketball and watch as my niece learns to read. I also want to spend as much time as possible with my grandparents and great-aunt and -uncle. Unkie turns 82 this year and I feel like every moment with him means a little more than it used to.

Here's hoping we all get what we're really wanting this year!

I so want to love this time of year

2010-12-23T18:55:00.000-06:00

I really, really love holidays. I love family get-togethers. I love holiday desserts. I love Christmas trees and stockings and presents and wrapping paper. I love (most) Christmas carols. I love reindeer and elves and snowmen. I love hot chocolate and candy canes.

But I hate Christmas.

Without fail, I spend weeks leading up to the holiday wondering where it will be spent. Who will take pity on me and invite me to spend it with them? Will anybody buy me a gift?

You see, when I was a kid, we had Christmas. But when I was 14, my parents divorced. My mom and brother and sister all somehow became Jehovah's Witnesses. JWs do not celebrate Christmas. But I am not a JW and I do celebrate Christmas. At least I try. When everyone else I know is planning their migrations home, I'm trying to figure out if any of my extended family is bothering to get together this year. When everyone else gives their parents their wish lists, I can only dream of the things I would ask for. I haven't received a notable gift in 11 years. I'm lucky if I make it out of December with more than a picture frame or bottle of shower gel from a well-meaning cousin.

The traditions I grew up with and loved are long gone. The only tradition I have now for Christmas is crying.

Gluten-free discoveries

2010-12-21T14:45:00.001-06:00

Here are a few things I have learned about in the past few days.

1.) Christmas time sucks being gluten-free. Working at the bank, with many regular customers, we get all sorts of free stuff. And people start to bring more of it during the holidays. During the last three days, customers have baked us cookies, brownies, and candy. And Starbucks brought us all brownies. I couldn't eat any of it. The only free gift I could participate in were the potholders one customer brought us. Yep, potholders. Merry Christmas, indeed.

2.) On a more optimistic note, gluten-free food can be delicious. Last night I made fish tacos at home. If you've ever been lucky enough to have a fish taco from Berryhill, you know how insanely good they are. I don't eat them at many other places. The traditional Berryhill version has crunchy, tempura-fried whitefish, thinly sliced red cabbage, cilantro and this amazing pink chipotle sauce, all served in double corn tortillas. I could drink the sauce by itself. It is that good. Not being able to eat the tempura (sad), I made my own version at home last night. I coated fresh tilapia filets in a mixture of gluten-free all-purpose flour and cornmeal, and seasoned with kosher salt and fresh ground pepper. I pan-fried the filets in a little canola oil. I served them in warm corn tortillas with mixed greens, diced avocado and HEB's Raspberry Chipotle Ranch Dip. They are not anything like the originals from Berryhill, but delicious nonetheless.

3.) Chocolate is a necessity. Remember Little Debbie's Nutty Buddy Bars? The two chocolate-peanut butter wafer bars? Fond childhood memory. Not gluten-free. But there is a brand sold in grocery stores called Schar. They sell gluten-free pastas, cookies, breadsticks, and most importantly, Chocolate Hazelnut Bars.

They are an even better version of Little Debbie's. They are fabulous. And they are gone. I need to buy more.

Week Two

2010-11-22T08:26:00.000-06:00

On to the next week! Last week went really well for not only radically changing my eating habits, but getting used to planning and cooking every night, PLUS keeping up with a running regimen. But I did it.

My schedule with the meals from last week got a little off. On Thursday, I forgot to thaw out my chicken for the white chili, so I had leftover Zucchini Lasagna. Then on Friday, when I had thawed chicken, I met my sister after work and we grabbed gluten-free chocolate muffins from Mr. Natural. It was delicious, but kind of killed my appetite, so I had a dinner of chips and guacamole when I got home. I finally got around to making white chili yesterday, and skipped the gluten-free alfredo pasta altogether. The white chili and the lasagna were both excellent, considering I didn't use any recipes for either. I'll be eating leftover chili for lunch and dinner tonight, since it made a ridiculously huge pot.

The rest of my week looks like this:

Tuesday: Roasted Salmon and Asparagus (I just put a little olive oil, soy sauce and balsamic vinegar on my salmon and cook for 12-13 minutes and it's done)

Wednesday: G-F Penne Alfredo w/ Peas and Mushrooms (Finally)

Thursday: Thanksgiving dinner
My dinner will most likely include turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, G-F green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, G-F corn pudding, and G-F pumpkin pie. The only part I will miss is the stuffing and gravy.

Friday: Leftovers. Of course.

I promise I'll find a new topic of blogging soon

2010-11-18T10:43:00.000-06:00

Eating gluten-free is not only not as hard as I thought it would be, it's actually kind of easy. With a bit of planning. My diet pitfalls in the past always had to do with poor planning. Grocery shopping was done sporadically. I'd be out of cereal and milk, so I'd stop for kolaches on my way to work. Nothing to pack for a lunch to bring with me to work, so I'd run over to the BBQ place around the corner. I'd stop by the grocery store on my home from work, starving, so I'd buy dinner food, plus snacks and dessert. It was terrible.

This week, however, with a stocked kitchen and a plan for what to make, it's really a no-brainer. My steak and mashed potatoes were delicious. My homemade burrito bowl was almost as good as Chipotle's. And my zucchini lasagna last night was great (except for the zucchini still being slightly crisp). Now the only part of this whole thing I hate is ALL THE DISHES.

Thanksgiving will be tough. It's my favorite holiday ever. I typically bake two pies, homemade cornbread stuffing, sweet potatoes with streusel topping, corn pudding, and homemade yeast rolls. NONE of that is gluten-free. So this year, I'm not going to try to recreate everything, just the ones that will be simple. I'll forgo the stuffing this year (so sad about that). Skipping the rolls, because there's no way in hell a gluten-free yeast roll can really taste normal. The sweet potatoes will be easy. The only part that has flour is the topping. The potatoes can stay buttery, brown sugary and delicious. The topping will still have brown sugar and pecans. It will be awesome. I'm also doing a completely homemade green bean casserole. Canned cream of mushroom soup, and the french fried onions, are very glutenous. So I'm making a cream of mushroom with cornstarch in place of flour. And scratch fried onions. And finally, the corn pudding. It's a family tradition. No holiday is complete without it. The original recipe calls for Jiffy Corn Muffin mix, creamed corn, butter/oil, eggs, onion and sharp cheddar. I'm merely swapping the Jiffy for a gluten free cornbread mix. Voila. Oh, and I'm letting Whole Foods handle dessert with a G-F pumpkin pie.

Also, day 2 of 10k training was so much easier than day 1. I went out last night and barely broke a sweat. The stiffness and soreness is gone. And I felt a lot faster and stronger, already. This please me greatly.

Does anyone have any holiday recipes that are naturally gluten-free or could be easily adapted?

Monday, Monday

2010-11-15T20:18:00.000-06:00

I'm pleased to report that day one if gluten free was a smashing success. I feel good today. It is in fact possible to go 24 hours without eating, or even craving, cake. Who knew?

I am also pleased that today I began training for the Cap 10k, which is being held on March 27, 2011. I already know your next question: "Who needs over four months to train for a six mile run?" I do. I've read 10k training plans and they're all fine and great if you are already a reasonably seasoned runner. I'm not. So I'm prefacing the 10k training with just regular ole' running training. Day one is in the books.

After 10, yes 10, glorious, amazing, restful, peaceful ad lovely days of vacation, I head back to the bank tomorrow. It helps knowing that I have two, four day work weeks in a row. Countdown to Thanksgiving is on.

Week One

2010-11-14T22:10:00.001-06:00

It has been over three months since I've posting anything on this blog. Not because I don't have anything to say. Mostly because I don't have much to say that I feel will impact my readers somehow. That, and the fact that I only have a few readers.

But today, Sunday, November 14, 2010, I have something very important to share with my few readers and whoever stumbles across my little slice of the interwebs: I am going gluten-free. Not halfheartedly. 100% giving up the pasta, pizza, cookies, cake and other delicious baked goods that are so prevalent in my life. Having to pick and choose what I can and cannot eat next week at Thanksgiving dinner. Having to plan ahead on what I can eat at a restaurant. And prepping and cooking the majority of my meals at home, unable to rely on fast food or prepared foods from the grocery store deli. Shopping for groceries tonight took close to two hours, as I went up and down each aisle, studying labels and reading ingredient lists. This is my new life.

And you know what? I'm psyched. Amped. Pumped. Jazzed. Because I have discovered that gluten is making me feel like shiz. I'm not a full-blown celiac (that I know of...still waiting on blood tests and stuff to confirm). But I'm one step below that. I have a skin condition called dermatitis herpaformis. I'll spare the nasty details, but gluten is causing me and my skin to be miserable. Itching and inflammation 24 hours a day. Not to mention low energy and fatigue. And quite possibly a link to my depression. Please let there be a link to my depression.

So for now and the foreseeable future, gluten and I are not friends. Gluten is found in wheat, rye, barley and a few other grains. And they are found in a lot of stuff. So starting today, I'm planning my weekly meals and shopping for all of them on Sunday evening. Here's what this week's dinners look like:

Monday: Broiled NY strip and mashed potatoes/carrots
My mom used to add carrots to our mashed potatoes when I was a kid and it was always so good. It makes them a little sweeter and gives them an awesome yellowy orange color. Just boil carrot chunks right along with your potato chunks and then mash them when they get good and tender. I'm adding butter, half and half, and Parmesan to mine.

Tuesday: Using leftover steak to create my own version of Chipotle's burrito bowl at home.
Boiling my rice with cilantro and lime juice, canned black beans fancied up with cayenne pepper and cumin, green tomatillo salsa, sour cream, jack cheese, guacamole and lettuce.

Wednesday: Zucchini lasagna
I'm slicing my zucchini lengthwise into thin strips to take place of the lasagna noodles. Other than that, it will be fairly traditional lasagna fare. HEB sells ground pork with Italian seasonings, so you don't have to spend time removing Italian sausage from the casings to brown it. I'm mixing my meat with Arrabiata sauce, and layering it with the zucchini and a ricotta/mozzarella mixture. And possibly a Bechemel sauce thickened with cornstarch instead of flour.

Thursday: Chicken & Green Chili Stew
I won't be following a recipe. This will be my first time making it, so I hope it isn't a huge disaster. I'll poach my chicken breasts in gluten-free chicken broth, then create a stew/soup thing by adding onion, garlic, red and green bell peppers, chopped green chilis, corn, cumin, and a bit of half and half to make it a little creamy. Topping it off with shredded jack cheese and crushed tortilla chips.

Friday: Gluten-free penne with Alfredo sauce, peas and mushrooms
I've had G-F pasta before and it really isn't too bad. Doesn't quite have the bite that traditional al dente pasta does, but I can deal with that. Basic alfredo sauce of butter, cream, and Parmesan. Sauteeing some white button mushrooms and throwing in some frozen green peas. Voila.

Does anyone else follow a G-F diet, or another special diet? Any tips or meal ideas?

Dream-killing moment

2010-08-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at the bank the other day, making a mental list of all the other jobs in the world I'd rather be doing than cashing checks. There were a lot, but that is beside the point. Near the top of my list was the FBI. Solving crimes and looking good doing it. I've always wanted to be part of the Missing Persons department, a la Without a Trace, or crack down on drug trafficking in the DEA. Which I suppose is not in the FBI at all. Whatevs.

Anyway, I decided to look and see what the requirements are to join the FBI. Let's put it this way: it will never happen. Not only do I have to be some kind of foreign language speaking, computer and science genius, but I must be an Olympic-caliber athlete.

So I have accepted that I won't be wielding a gun and chasing down bad guys for the government in this lifetime, but I have decided that I will meet the physical requirements one day. I will do 42 sit-ups in under a minute, run a 300 m sprint in under one minute, do more than 22 perfect push-ups and somehow run 1.5 miles in under 13 minutes. (Nevermind the fact that the fastest mile I have ever run in my life was 10:02 during my senior year of high school. Somehow I'll fit that other half mile in those last three minutes.)

Pretty sure my starting point is light years away from these goals, but that's the point of a goal, right? Maybe in this time I will also learn Russian and how to build a computer.

Note to self

2010-05-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Self:

You are 25 years old. You have a history of being a remarkably responsible girl. You usually do the right thing. Let's see if we can try to always do the right thing, ok?

For comparison's sake, let's look at an example of what the wrong thing to do would be:

Drinking nearly two bottles of wine and two Irish car bombs at a party with all of your coworkers, managers, and two regional managers
Inviting your ex to the party with you, especially when you have feelings for a coworker who is, in fact, at the party
Offering to drive Coworker Crush home because he is too drunk, when you yourself are in no condition to drive. It is impolite to invite Ex to a party and leave with Coworker Crush.
Make feelings for Coworker Crush known during the drive. Feelings that you have had for several months and never spoken of to him.
Instead of taking Coworker Crush home and meeting Ex back at his house, as promised, letting Coworker Crush convince you that going to 6th Street to do shots is a good idea.
Doing a shot of Patron and a Jaegerbomb within 30 seconds of each other at Bar #1, and chasing them with a shot of Jameson and a cranberry vodka ten minutes later at Bar #2.
You and Coworker Crush autographing each others' arms with a Sharpie you found on the sidewalk.
Befriending a stranger named Tracey at Bar #2, talking to her for all of three minutes and exchanging numbers and promising to hangout soon.
Deciding that you are still ok to drive after these 45 furious minutes downtown.
Trying to find your way to Coworker Crush's apartment off of East Riverside as he is passed out in the passenger seat.
Dropping off Coworker Crush and then realizing that you are wasted. You start puking in the parking lot.
Texting Ex and asking him to come get you because you can't drive home.
Texting incoherent and shoddy directions to Ex because you have absolutely no idea where you are. It eventually takes him close to an hour to find you.
Sleeping in Ex's bed with him and allowing him to buy you breakfast tacos the next morning and drive you back to your car.
Spending all of Sunday in bed and useless with a wicked hangover.

Pretty much none of that is even remotely close to being the right thing to do. So if we could avoid these types of decisions in the future, that would be excellent.

Sincerely,
J.

SuperAwesome Austin Weekend

2010-05-16T17:35:00.000-05:00

I've lived in Austin for close to 3.5 years now, and somehow this weekend I have manged to have the most Austin-ish weekend yet. Nothing new, really, but with my friend Mandy visiting from St. Louis, we only have a few days to pack all of the cool stuff in to.

Friday night Flatcar Rattlers played at the Continental Club, which quickly became one of my all-time favorite venues. They played with two other incredible bands, and it was Phil's last show with the band. It was an epic night to say the least.

Despite having to work on Saturday morning (with a hangover) Saturday was a fun-filled day with Mandy. Lunch at Shady Grove, followed by shopping for new running shoes. I know Austinites love RunTex, but I went to Hill Country Running on South Lamar and had a much better experience. Walked out with Asics Gel-Kayano 16s with a hefty price tag. After a much needed nap, we hit Alamo Drafthouse for Robin Hood. Seriously lame movie, but queso fries, grilled cheese and prosecco made it tolerable. Especially the prosecco. I love the Drafthouse!

Today I laced up the new Asics and we headed down to Town Ladybird Lake and walked three miles, then rented kayaks. The shoes felt great. The kayaking, not so much. Harder than it looks. I've concluded that watercrafts make me look like a spaz. But I still intend to continue kayaking and get better at it so that I can own my own. Refer to weight-loss reward chart two posts back.

Tonight includes margaritas and fish tacos at Hula Hut. Tomorrow I have to work (boo) but more fun with Mandy after work. And dinner somewhere Austin-ish. Kerbey? Perhaps. How is it evenly humanly possible for this great city to be so damn cool?

Is it possible I've gotten the hang of this?

2010-05-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

So I mentioned I want to lose 100 pounds. And I've had this plan for several years. I've had the real hardcore plan for several months. I've been putting this plan into action for several days.

So no, I don't believe I've actually gotten the hang of losing weight just yet. But changes are definitely afoot.

For example, Old Jess would come home from her early morning job and crawl back into bed for 45 minutes until she absolutely had to get up and go to real job. New Jess? Gets home and laces up the running shoes and runs ginormous wicked hills for 30 minutes. Old Jess stopped at Taco Shack for 2 Shack Tacos and a Dr Pepper 4 out of 5 mornings every week (the 5th usually belonged to Einstein Bros.) This week? A smoothie whipped up in my own kitchen after running said ginormous wicked hills. Old Jess liked to "lounge" and "relax" in the evenings after work. New Jess goes out for more running and cooks dinner every evening.

I am proud of my still-forming habits. I feel good this week, minus the aching muscles part. I'm hoping to see a smaller number on the scale on Sunday. Which means that Mandy's last minute appearance in Austin this weekend cannot derail me. And neither can Hula Hut margaritas.

Bold claim

2010-04-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

I am going to lose 100 pounds. There, I said it.

Is it hard to admit that I have 100 pounds to lose? Yes. Will it be difficult? Very. Does it need to be done? Definitely. Do I have a plan? You betcha.

Remember back in the day when your parents or teachers set up a reward system? Take out the trash and you get a popsicle! Do your homework and you get a shiny gold star! Yes? Ok. My goal is to reward myself well for the efforts it will take to lose the weight. Every 5 pounds will earn a damn good reward.

Note: I love pedicures, so I will love to get them often, but also, if I'm running as much as I should be to be losing the weight, my feet will need the extra pampering.

-5: Buy The Girl That Played with Fire
-10: Pedicure
-15: $50 shopping trip
-20: Pedicure + massage
-25: Professional haircut + color
-30: Pedicure + facial
-35: Buy a bathing suit (I haven't bought a bathing suit in years)
-40: Pedicure + new workout clothes
-45: $100 shopping trip
-50: Weekend getaway to location of my choosing
-55: Buy fancy new pots and pans
-60: Pedicure + new makeup
-65: $150 shopping trip
-70: Pedicure + new pair of shoes
-75: Buy a kayak
-80: Pedicure + bikini wax
-85: Get a dog!!!
-90: Pedicure + buy a bikini
-95: Get teeth laser-whitened
-100: A vacation to a new place anywhere in the U.S.

I don't have a time frame in mind for this undertaking. Obviously, the sooner, the better, but I'm not going to set unrealistic goals that are unattainable. I'm just going to focus on the 5 pounds in front of me. And then the next 5. And so on. Eventually, they'll add up for amazing results.

What do you reward yourself with?

so not too long ago...

2010-03-01T19:41:00.000-06:00

i wrote that Ass Hat and I may have found a way to make this crazy messed up friendship of ours work. Literally, a few days later, we had a knock-down-drag-out fight that left me believing we would never speak to each other again. Amazingly enough, he apologized, I apologized and we had a deeply honest heart-to-heart discussion that surprised me. Then we had dinner together two nights later.

My birthday is this Friday and I told him that he's invited if he wants to come. We have a ton of mutual friends, who will be at the party, and he's been there for me a lot recently. Why wouldn't I invite him? Right? Because my friend acted like I was insane for even considering it. Granted, she is allowed to hate him for the way he has treated me in the past. And she is allowed to think it is better if I never speak to him again. But she honestly thinks that he shouldn't be included.

Am I wrong for attempting to be a good friend and invite him? Because I know that if the situation was reversed, I would be hurt if he didn't invite me, after we had both made an attempt at being friends and all of our mutual friends were coming.

All I really know is that I. Don't. Want. A. Drama. Filled. Birthday.

seriously missing cake right now

2010-02-23T22:24:00.000-06:00

day three of gluten free and i'm doing good, but starting to crave the yummy stuff. C. and i went to kerbey lane for dinner (our usual place, really) and all i wanted was a freaking slice of red velvet cake and a glass of milk. but i was good and passed on it. because there is a wedding i must attend in about nine weeks. not only will M., the hot musician be there, but Ass Hat will as well. so i not only have to impress one guy, i have to make another one feel like an idiot. so i need to look good.

however, i will be breaking the gluten free diet for two occasions. the first is my 25th birthday, which is a week from friday. i'm allowing myself to indulge in cake, yummy food, and copious amounts of vodka.

the second occasion is a visit by my best friends JBH and SDD from up north. we all went to school together up in nebraska about five years ago and we only get to see each other about once or twice per year. this will be their first trip to austin and i'm so thrilled they will finally get to experience it. this means eating out at the best restaurants austin has to offer for four straight days.

but seriously, after that, no more cake. or pasta, bread, beer, biscuits, or anything else that makes me smile.

Making progress!

2010-02-21T18:57:00.000-06:00

In the last two weeks, I have made notable progress in my life. I've had some epiphanies. I've come to terms with my past. And I've gotten a lot of stuff done.

A few weeks ago, there were three guys I had on my mind. One was Ass Hat. One was Work Guy, Z. And one was the musician, M. Ass Hat and I may have had a breakthrough in out torrid crazy relationship. And the breakthrough is that the relationship is so over and done, it isn't even funny. But we just might be able to make the friendship work. We're comfortable around each other and we know how to talk to each other. The biggest problem is that I'll never trust him. So the big question is, How good of a friend can he be if I don't trust him at all? I suppose time will tell.

Z. was never going to happen. He's a couple of years younger than me and still in the college frame of mind. Translation: "Let's get wasted six nights per week." May have been fun, but completely unfulfilling.

And then there is M. I really like him. Like, really like him. The problem is that I've felt for the last six months that he is completely out of my league and too good for me. He's gorgeous, freaking smart and amazingly talented. He's kind of shy, but fun to talk to once he opens up. And I've worked on getting to know him better over the last couple of months. My major epiphany is this: no, he's not too good for me or out of my league. I'm beautiful, I'm smart and I have my own amazing talents. So he's not better than me at all. I deserve someone like him and if he's what I want, then I should go after it. So I am.

I'm letting go of my reservations and I'm going all in. There's an old saying that says to get big rewards, you have to take big risks. I may get rejected and my heart may be broken all over again, but I'll never know if I don't try. And it may change my life.

My challenge for everyone else is to not hesitate and to go after something you want.

Something wrong with me

2010-02-12T21:16:00.000-06:00

I can't make friends. I try and I try and it just doesn't happen. I've lived in Austin for three years now and I can literally count on one hand the number of good friends I have. Or even just decent friends. And I have no idea what the problem is.

I desperately want more friends around me, but it seems like no one is interested in being friends with me. Am I that socially awkward? I know I'm fairly introverted, but I'm not painfully shy by any means. I can carry a good conversation, I'm intelligent and witty, and I feel like I'm friendly. I like to go out, I like to stay in, and I'm laid back enough to generally go with the flow. So why is it that nobody wants to do anything with me?

Please don't mistake this post as whining. That is not the objective at all. I honestly want to know the answers to these questions. It's Friday night and I'm alone. Tomorrow night I will go out to a show, where I will know many people, but only one will really be a "friend". The rest will just be people I know that, if asked and giving the honest truth, wouldn't consider me a friend. Everyone else will ride there together and laugh and joke together and I will drive by myself. I asked for a ride and the car was full. And I couldn't think of another friend in this city to ride with or take with me to the show. Afterwards, I will drive myself home and then spend the remainder of the weekend alone because there isn't anyone else there.

I'm so tired of being a loner. This isn't who I want to be anymore.

Awkwardness

2010-02-01T08:47:00.000-06:00

So there is a guy that works with me at the bank that I have started to like in the past few weeks. He took me under his wing and trained me the most of anyone there. We had lunch together a few times and have gone to happy hour with others from work. He has given me rides to places and offered to drive me back to my car afterwards. When I invited a few people to a Flatcar show, he was the only one who seemed the slightest bit interested and he gave me his number so I could let him know about the show. He texted me a lot this past weekend while he was out of town. He asks about things going on in my life and seems interested when we discuss them.

So I have taken all of this to mean that he's somewhat interested. I'm somewhat interested and I feel I have made that known to him. So last night I texted him about a get together I'm going to later this week and invited him. And he didn't even respond. At all. Not even a "No, thanks." Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe he was just busy or didn't have his phone on him or something else that could be true but most likely isn't. But chances are, he's not interested and things at work may have just gotten awkward.

Advice needed: what do I do from here? Pretend like I didn't send the text and he didn't ignore me and go about life as normal? Ask if he got the text, potentially leading to a face-to-face rejection? Assume he got the text and ignored me and back off from being work friends with him a bit?

(I have intentionally never made feelings for coworkers made before specifically to avoid these awkward situations.)

Good good good things to come!

2010-01-27T20:07:00.000-06:00

First of all, today was my first day of working by myself and alone at the bank, rather than training with a fellow teller. I actually really enjoyed myself and I'm quite pleased with how much I've learned in three weeks. It makes the day fly by, which is nice.

Second, I have *seriously* discovered a brilliant business that would be super successful in Austin and make me a very happy girl/entrepeneur at the same time. I don't want to give away too many details until I'm able to put together a business plan and see if I can get some small business loans to get it started, but I will reveal that it has to do with baking. Which is my favorite thing in the world to do. So life would be awesome if I did it for a living.

Third, I have officially reached the point of being 100% ready and willing to start dating again. Feelings for Ass Hat just aren't really there anymore. And dealing with him is more of a hassle these days than anything. I still deal with him because he has said he'd like to be friends, and he is helping me out with my car. But I'm not interested in anymore than that. And it's nice to be at this point. Especially because I know of a couple of guys that I'm interested in potentially "getting to know better". But I'm not diving into any relationships in the near future. I'm going to make sure it's right before anything happens.

Please be nice to your bank tellers

2010-01-20T21:26:00.000-06:00

The job has a tad more to it than you realize. Yes, my new job is working as a bank teller. (Don't even get me started on not being able to find a better job than this...useless college degree.) I've always taken the bank tellers I intereacted with for granted. Deposit my check. Give me some cash. Whatevs.

Wrong. There's a heck of a lot more to it. Knowing all sorts of information and rules and regulations. Knowing when to get a second form of ID or knowing when you will or won't be able to cash a check. Not to mention handling tens of thousands of dollars at a time. It can be a little overwhelming.

So, friends, please be kind to your tellers if there is a line at the bank. Please understand if the computer tells them to place a hold on your very large check. It's not their decision. And please thank them for their help.

Haven't felt this way in a long time

2010-01-18T23:37:00.000-06:00

For the first time in months, I feel hopeful about the future. Not only do I not dread it, I am eagerly anticipating what it brings. Things have been going well for me lately and I have to keep believing that they will continue to get better.

As cheesy as it sounds, I came up with a perfect analogy for where my life is right now. I am standing on one side of a river and I can clearly see my future and the life I want on the other side. I've spent the last year wandering down the shore hoping to find a bridge that would take me to the other side. But now I'm going to stop looking for a way across and put in the effort to build my own way across. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get to the other side and the life that I want.

I'm going to not only kick ass at my new job to ensure raises and promotions, I'm going to continue seeking other opportunities that might lead to something better. I'm going to drag myself out of debt this year and start setting myself up for financial success. I'm going to pursue hobbies and interests that I've been hesitant to start or dive into. I'm going to break the old habits that have kept me overweight and unable to live my fullest possible life. I'm going to let go of the past and the remaining feelings from my relationship with Asshat and allow myself to not only be involved with other guys, but trust them to not rip my heart into millions of pieces.

My short term goals right now are:
*Walk to work all four days this week. I skipped all of last week because of the weather, but temps are good this week. The 35 minute walk does wonders for my energy the rest of the day.
*Finish all of my online training for work this week so I can hurry up and officially start working for real.
*Do all of the necessary paperwork and phone calls to manage my student loans by next Saturday.
*Research photography and cooking class options this week during the evenings.
*Go on a real life, honest to goodness date with a guy in the next four weeks before Valentine's Day.
*Buy a book this weekend and allow myself to jump into it and read until 5:00 am if I want to.

Time to start building my bridge...

Victory is mine

2010-01-06T19:59:00.000-06:00

I have a job. A real one. And they are paying me and I get benefits and everything. Today was my second day. I have a job.

Also, weighed myself at the gym today for the first time in about four or five months and I have magically lost 12 pounds without really trying.

I am rockin'.

A preview of what's to come...

2009-12-07T01:11:00.000-06:00

I spent all day today working on cleaning and organizing my house. Like allllllll day. It is 1:00 am and I am just getting ready for bed. I cleaned the kitchen, I sorted laundry, I swept floors, I folded clothes, I threw things away, I donated things to Goodwill. It was somewhat exhausting. But also exciting. Because I am preparing my house (really just my bedroom) for a major overhaul.

I have lived in my wonderful, charming, quirky 1920s duplex for 18 months now. It is in an amazing part of town and has many wonderful things about it. But for the majority of the time I've been here, I have been a student who couldn't care less about her room or a girl going through major life changes (i.e. breakups) who couldn't care less about her room. But now I care.

All of my inspiration comes from Anthropologie, which makes me want to throw flowers and ruffles all over everything. That's not exactly me, so I'm having to keep things grounded while still being girly. The changes will be small (and cheap) at first, bust slowly I will have the room of my dreams.

Coming tomorrow: before pictures of everything and some links and pictures to what I'm hoping to do with all of it.

Also look forward to my newly revamped 1001 goals later this week!

I've come to a fork in the road

2009-11-11T09:55:00.000-06:00

If you recall, yesterday I lamented the difficulty of knowing when to walk away from a relationship and when to stick it out. Today, I'm even more confused.

Yesterday was a bad day. I found out that the job I interviewed for and felt 99% sure I had gotten may no longer be hiring anyone. That made me upset. Then I found out that all of my friends decided to bail on Thanksgiving dinner, leaving me alone for the holiday. That ruined my day. And then I released all of my pent-up frustration with the job situation and the living situation with my sister and the friends situation and had a minor meltdown. I needed someone to talk to and I instinctively turned to him, because he's been there for me in these kinds of situations for the last two years.

I intentionally did not bring up our relationship. That wasn't the issue last night, so no point in dragging it into everything else going on. But he brought it up. He once again apologized for everything he did. He said he realizes how terrible he was to me. And then right before he left, he told me that he thinks of me and misses me all the time.

One month ago, he told me he wanted me to just go away and leave him alone. He wanted me out of his life. Now he's giving me all sorts of signals that he wants me in his life. I thought I wanted him out of my life because of the person he had become. But now I keep seeing glimpses of the person I fell in love with and that's the person I still want to be with.

My family and friends would kill me if they even knew that I was considering anything happening with him. How does anyone ever know if they're making the right decision? There are too many what-ifs in these situations. What if I walk away but he really is ready to be the man I need him to be? What if I work things out with him and waste two more years for things to eventually end anyway?

Why, oh why?

2009-11-10T17:08:00.000-06:00

So about a month ago, my ex and I aplit for good. We had spent 6 months "broken up" but still saw each other on a more than regular basis. Then after all of the terrible things he did to me, I decided I wasn't doing it anymore and I walked away. And that's what he wanted, too. Me out of his life. Sounds like everyone got what they want, right?

Wrong. I know I'm better off without someone lying to me and treating me bad, but I still love the asshole and I miss him. I have stayed strong though. No sense trying to be a part of someone's life when they don't want you in it.

Well the ex has contacted me twice within the last five days. Once to just shoot the breeze and chat (which I called him out on) and once to apologize for all of the things that he did. After the first time, I thought no big deal. He's bored, looking for someone to talk to and curious if I'm moving on and doing ok without him. After last night, I'm starting to think he really regrets a lot of things.

Romantic comedies make it look so easy to resolve all conflict and wrap up relationships in big pretty bows as the credits roll. They don't tell you how long to wait and see if someone regrets hurting you, or when to cut your losses and walk away. I know it would be almost impossible for me to ever trust him again, so that should tell me to walk away right? But I KNOW that deep down I fell in love with him because he's a good guy. And he has some growing up to do. Do I let him grow up before ever giving him another chance? Do I make another attempt? Is there a relationship god with all the answers???

Whole (Paycheck) Foods

2009-11-03T21:30:00.000-06:00

I like Whole Foods. I like the atmosphere. I like the unique foods that they carry. I could live on their jalapeno cilantro hummus and cocoa chewies. I have to refrain from going there more than once a month or so because I literally will spend twice my predetermined food budget.

But now I want to spend every spare dime I have there. At their cooking school. At $65-75 a pop, the classes are pretty steep. But they sound oh-so-worth it. I MUST take the gnocchi class coming up in two weeks. And the gluten free/wine class. And the sushi class. And the knife skills class. And the girls' night out tapas class. And the basic sauces class. And about three or four others.

The idea for these classes came about yesterday as my best Austin friend, Nora K., and I were drinking copious amounts of red wine and discussing the things we want to do for fun. Nora is married with a four year old son. She needs some serious "me" time. I recently got out of a very serious, long-term relationship. I need some serious "me" time. So we've decided it will be "our" time. We are running the 3M Half Marathon relay together in January, so we are training together. We want to paint pottery, so we are going together. She wants to learn how to knit, so I'm learning with her. I want to take photography classes, so she'll learn too. But most importantly, she wants to learn how to cook, I want to learn how to cook better. So Whole Foods, here we come.

Gluten Free

2009-11-03T12:33:00.003-06:00

I have decided to take the plunge into a Gluten Free Diet. Not right now, because I can hardly afford to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter every week. But as soon as I get my first paycheck (and go to a celebratory dinner or two), it's gluten free for me. Not to mention sugar and dairy free for as long as I can stand it.

***This is not intended to be a 100% forever kind of thing, but a 95% thing with the occasional straying in an effort to be healthier but enjoy my favorite foods thing***

So what can I not eat on the Gluten Free Diet? Bread, crackers, cake, cookies, pancakes, waffles, bagels, oatmeal, biscuits, gravy, beer, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. Don't even get me started on the dairy and sugar items I'll be doing without.

Here's what I can eat: fruits and veggies (and lots of 'em), brown rice, sweet potatoes, beans, seafood, beef, chicken, salads, etc.

Is this similar to the low-carb Atkins diet? Kind of. Am I doing it because it's low-carb? Nope. I have a family with a history of diabetes. Sugars, gluten, flours, etc are not good for people with diabetes, or a predisposition to diabetes (like myself). So in an effort to avoid it, I'm giving up these things (not forever) to maintain my health (and lose a significant amount of weight).

Food that I'm actually dying to make and eat: For those of you that watch The Biggest Loser, the burgers that the black team made and ate with the famous chef dude. They made turkey burgers, but rather than using a bun, they grilled portobello mushroom caps and used those in place of bread. Not only genius, but looks and sounds delicious. I would probably make my burger with ground sirloin instead of turkey, and add lots of chopped up garlic, parsley and thyme for tons of flavor.

Stay tuned for my ups and downs and tears and cheers throughout my Gluten Free Diet experience.

Material Possession Monday

2009-11-02T09:39:00.009-06:00

Being broke and jobless, I must satisfy my lust for material possessions by merely browsing the online shops and dreaming up wonderful events for me to wear the goods to. My current obsession is the apparel on Piperlime. The clothes are designer and well out of my budget.

Right now, I really love this dress. I freaking love the color (most items in my closet are blues and greens), I adore the easy, laid-back shape and the gathering at the waist. I would wear it to a cocktail party to stand out among the plethora of LBDs. Of course this dress calls for hundreds of lunges to get my legs in prime condition for such exposure.

"Lizbeth" Dress by Cynthia Steffe

$295.00

I am not so much a girly-girl. I rarely wear the color pink (like seriously...I think I have a fuschia sweater and maybe a couple of pairs of pink skivvies), ruffles and bows are too sweet for me, and floral motifs are not my thing. But I love leafy, foliage-inspired jewelry. My favorite necklace is a silver fern pendant. I love the clean, simplistic lines of nature-inspired accesories. So naturally (ha) I love these earrings. Also found at Piperlime.

"Olive" earrings by Gorjana
$130.00

What's a killer outfit without a killer pair of heels to complete it? While I freely admit that heels and I are not friends, I would brave the pain for a fancy party. These shoes from Target will soon be a part of my wardrobe, because the price is unbeatable, especially considering that I won't wear them all that often (the heel is 4.25"!). They also come in navy...I think I shall purchase those as well.

"Valonia" pump by Mossimo

$20.00

What material possessions are you dreaming about?

Big plans

2009-10-30T10:09:00.002-05:00

I have now been unemployed for four weeks. In that time, I have not had much of a social life and I've been living on bread and peanut butter. I think I'm on the verge of landing a good job with a salary. I will continue to believe so until they officially turn me down. So with the idea of a guaranteed paycheck twice a month, I've been making a list of all the things I NEED to buy:

*Car repairs...boring but necessary (especially since my ex was my free mechanic...we don't speak anymore...bad for my checking account)
*Grown up work clothes...I plan to go on one or two large sprees with my first big girl paychecks. Mostly at cheaper places like Old Navy, Target, Gap, Kohl's with a few nicer pieces from Banana Republic and maybe J. Crew thrown in. Then I will invest in one or two nicer, higher quality pieces every month. But for now I need lots of new stuff. (Completely and utterly justifiable, as I have been a nanny/college student since moving to Austin. No need for more than jeans and hoodies most days)
*Books! I have a shopping cart on Amazon full of thrillers, mysteries, cookbooks, nonfiction and more waiting to be purchased.
*Decent cookware and knives. I'm not talking Calphalon and Le Creuset here, but I've been using the same $40 pots and pans set my mom bought for me when I moved into my first apartment. It gets (most of) the job done, but I'm a foodie that loves to cook. I need some better shiz.
*Home decor. Trying to move out of the "I'm a young adult with a full time class schedule and I don't need to decorate my apartment" look. I live in a great 87 year old duplex with hardwood floors and cute details. I need to accent that. Rugs, curtains, bedframe, artwork, etc.

Now that I look at my list, I still don't think I will have money for a social life or food.

A call for help...

2009-10-26T23:03:00.003-05:00

To my three followers:

Thanks for following my pitiful little blog. I appreciate it. And now I need to ask all three of you for a favor:

***If you know of ANYONE in Austin hiring (preferably for an Administrative Assistant), would you please please please let me know? I have been unemployed for a month now and times are getting super desperate. I am broke. I must talk to my landlord tomorrow and ask for a two week grace period on my rent.***

Thanks again girls!

Jessica

Lame serious post

2009-10-25T21:45:00.003-05:00

Just thought I'd warn you up front.

I have been overweight my entire life. I was born 9 lbs. and never looked back. Part of it is genetics, and part of it comes from being fed fast food as a child by my father. My mother, the uber hippie that didn't allow us to eat sugary snacks and raised us to like fruits and vegetables, tried her hardest to undo the damage he did to us, but it really was never enough. Bad habits outweigh the good habits.

So here I sit at 24 years old, miserably overweight and feeling like I'm unable to do anything about it. I have a gym membership and I'll go regularly for a week or two, and then just lose the motivation. I'll get on a kick where I'm eating extremely healthy for a week or two, but then my friends will want to go out to dinner and I'll revert right back to my old habits.

My mother told me about this doctor that has a program that can change the way you look and feel in about one month, by eliminating food allergens from your diet and then slowly reintroducing them. In that one month I would have to give up gluten, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, dairy, eggs, and a few other things. That means no bread, no cheese, no desserts, no wine, no Halloween candy, etc. Tough, of course, but it could change my life to figure out what foods I'm reacting to that are causing me to gain weight. And still, I'm dragging my heels because it would be a challenge and I wouldn't get to eat my favorite foods and go to bars with friends. For one stupid month.

Am I being completely crazy? Or am I just scared to fail again, so I don't even want to take the first step?

I want it!

2009-10-22T13:21:00.003-05:00

Today I went on Job Interview #3 of the week and it is true what they say: Third time is in fact the charm. #1 was a complete and utter waste of time. #2 was definitely not the job I thought I had been applying for. I thought it was an administrative job for an engineering firm, right? Yes and no. It was 60% administrative work for the engineering firm, 40% personal assistant work for the head of the firm, including picking up her children from school and doing her grocery shopping. Um, no thanks. First off, be a good mother and spend some time with your children instead of another two hours at the office. Second, I didn't spend years in school and thousands of dollars on my degree so I can be your lackey and pick up your dry cleaning.

But today's interview went great. Administrative work for a small, independent financial firm. I like independent. After working for a huge worldwide corporation, I'm definitely a fan of the little guys. The office is only 15 minutes from my house, and looks out over the 360 bridge and the rolling hills. Much better than being downtown and looking out the window at another building. It is salary, rather than hourly, and has room for growth within the company. Or, if I get sick of the financial industry, it provides me with excellent experience.

I am dying to hear from them because they want someone to start on November 2nd. I'm ready to start now!!!

I'm a hippie

2009-10-21T17:02:00.002-05:00

I recycle, I eat organic, and most importantly, I wear flip flops just about every day of the year. Flat, comfortable, easy to put on and take off shoes. Emphasis on comfort.

Don't get me wrong: four inch heels are fun to look at. Christian Louboutins are drop dead gorgeous and if I had a spare $1,000 laying around at any given moment, I would give some serious thought to dropping it on a pair of his red-soled beauties.

But for the love of all things holy, high heels make make effing feet effing hurt.

I had a job interview today (for a job I don't especially want, but unemployment makes you do things you don't want to do) and I needed to look Uber Professional. That meant skirt, ironed shirt, and a ridiculously cute but professional pair of burgandy round-toe pumps. And yeah, my poor little feet are killing me. Plus, I look like a moron trying to walk around in them.

So here is my new goal: wear a pair of killer heels once a week to learn how to walk in them and acclimate myself to the ungodly pain. Then when I can do that, wear heels three times per week. That will give me four good days of flip flop comfort to recover.

Definitely my favorite time of year

2009-10-06T10:06:00.002-05:00

I LOVE fall/autumn. A lot. There is always so much going on and so much to look forward to.

This past weekend, N. and I boycotted ACL and skipped town for Oktoberfest in Fredericksburg. We decided to do things on the cheap and camped out in a tent rather than pay for a hotel room. We ate yummy German food and drank yummy German alcoholic beverages (beer for him, wine for me). We went on our very first wine tasting at Grape Creek Vineyards. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend.

Still to come in October are several Flatcar Rattler shows, including a show at Austin's German Heritage Society's Oktoberfest. Not to mention Halloween, of course. Flatcar will be playing at Riley's on the Backbone out past San Marcos on the way to Wimberley. I will be there in all of my Greek goddess glory.

Then after that, there will be Thanksgiving!!! There are only 50 days until the Greatest of All Holidays and I really can't wait. Thanksgiving is my favorite because a) I'm a serious foodie that loves to cook and loves to eat, and b) I don't have to buy presents for everyone. Plus, there will be football. How could it not be the best day of the year?

Currently, it appears that Amanda will be making the turkey, Nora the green bean casserole, and I'll be doing everything else. My menu so far has:
*Paula Deen's Southern Cornbread Dressing
*Sweet potato casserole
*Mashed potatoes
*Macaroni & Cheese (the good homemade kind baked in the oven and topped with breadcrumbs)
*Corn pudding (a family tradition at every holiday. I will share the recipe)
*Spinach Gratin
*Homemade yeast roles
*Buttermilk pecan pie
*Magic cookie bars

I'm sure a few more desserts will make their way onto the menu, not to mention any other scrumptious recipes I find along the way.

I am now starving...

Check

2009-10-01T09:54:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I headed over to Lucy in Disguise to browse Halloween costumes. Last year I was at a rehearsal dinner in Nebraska on Halloween, and costumes were minimal. This year I plan to do it up right.

The plan for Halloween (so far) is the Flatcar Rattlers show. Plus maybe another party if I can find one to crash. So with this agenda in mind, my costume needed to be:

a) cool, because there will be dancing and drinking and general debauchery

b) something that doesn't require a mask or face paint, because that shiz grosses me out

c) sexy*, because my ex will be there and I have to knock his socks off and make him kick himself for being an ass

With these guidelines, I narrowed it down to a Cleopatra/goddess type costume. What's sexier than a powerful woman in a white dress with heavy eyeliner and lots of jewelry? Lucy delivered the goods. Not on Cleopatra (was kind of disappointed I wouldn't get to wear some crazy cool headdress) but with the goddess costumes. Technically the one I found was named "Queen of Atlantis" but I'm just going to stick with "Goddess". It can be found here. I plan to accessorize with lots of gold jewelry, gold makeup, body shimmer, etc. It should be good.

*"Sexy" being a relative term...I'm not so much into the Sexy Firefighter Wearing a Mini Skirt type of costumes. Sexy in a more refined type of way.

As previously mentioned...

2009-09-30T10:20:00.002-05:00

I suck at keeping up with this blog. I don't feel as creative as most of you gals, but I shall try my damndest. I'll jump on the bandwagon and talk about training for the half marathon coming up!

My sister/roommate and I decided to run the half marathon relay at the end of January, because it would give us a good reason to go out and run a few times every week. This is not our first attempt at a half. In the summer of 2005, right after I moved back from Nebraska and was in the best shape of my life, we signed up to train with the local chapter of USA Fit. My mom joined us in this attempt. She only lasted two weeks. C., my sister, lasted about a month. And me? Four whole months. I got up to running 9 miles at a time, woke up every Saturday morning around 4:00 am and did all of the weekly training runs by myself. Unfortunately, I sustained an injury to my hip flexor area and had to drop out of the training, and never actually got to run the actual race itself.

But this time I intend to do the whole thing. So far my long run is only up to around 3 miles, but I plan to start stretching them out to around 5 miles in the next week or two. I also am combining my running with twice-weekly strength sessions at the gym. And eating a healthy balanced diet.

So far I haven't lost any weight. Sucks.

Weekend recap

2009-09-14T11:37:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a nice mix of being busy and relaxing. Too often I spend the entire weekend relaxing and accomplish nothing, or I am busy the whole time and feel like I didn't get to rest enough. But not this one.

Friday afternoon was happy hour at Jovita's on South 1st, next door to Freddie's Place. My good friends Phil and Danny (1/3 of Flatcar Rattlers) play there together during happy hour occasionally. It's usually fairly empty that time of day, but they have half price margaritas and chips and salsa, so it is totally worth going.

Saturday, my roommate/sister woke me up at 11:00 begging me to go do stuff with her. It was pouring down rain, but I did anyway. We went to get pedicures/waxed. I got a very dark purple color that looks almost black and she got bright tomato red. Totally suits both of us. We then ran through the rain to Target next door. I purchased necessary toiletries and a couple of C9 Champion dry-fit shirts for the gym. Because I am going to force myself to go to the gym at least twice this week. We then headed to Central Market for lunch from the cafe. They have the best French Onion Soup ever and a damn good antipasto panini. A trip to Whole Earth rounded out the afternoon before I headed home to watch college football for a few hours while it continued to pour down rain. Saturday night was another trip to Jovita's to see all of Flatcar Rattlers play. Greatest show ever. I may or may not have spent $48 on margaritas and shots and a bluegrass band may or may not have broken out into an impromtu Snoop Dogg song, complete with fiddle and banjo...

Yesterday was the epitome of a lazy Sunday. Didn't wake up until 12:00. Didn't change out of my pajamas until 5:00. Went to N.'s house to watch NFL football and eat pizza and drink pinot grigio last night. Pretty good ending to the weekend.

All in all, I:

drank a lot of booze
spent a lot of money
watched a lot of live music
watched a lot of football
slept a lot

Perfect.

Sad little story

2009-09-11T13:15:00.004-05:00

I'm a terrible blogger. Sometimes I just don't feel up to coming up with an exciting post. Other times, I feel like I don't have one interesting thing to say. I kind of feel that way today. So I'm going to tell everyone a story.

This story is about a boy named N. N. and I met in June 2007 on Craigslist (because I had just learned you can shop for people on there, too) and met for Brazilian food. Sparks flew. We were officially a couple within three days.

N. is a mechanic by day and a musician by night. Nothing even close to the type of person I would fall madly in love with but I did. He had his flaws, some of them very, very big, but I looked past them and saw the person I wanted to marry. This freaked him out a little bit, but he eventually woke up and decided that I, too, was the person he wanted to marry, but there was no official proposal. (I then immediately joined the knot, which is how I came to follow most of your blogs.) We picked a date for me to move into his house, an approximate timeframe for marriage and how many kids would be in our future. I was walking on clouds and couldn't stop smiling. He felt the same way.

In late April of this year, just six weeks before we would be celebrating our two year dating anniversary and two months before I would be moving into his house, we broke up with the understanding that we would be back together in the future. I'll spare you the sordid details of that, but my life literally fell apart. I spent the next month going through the motions without really feeling anything but pain. I almost failed a course and jeopardized my graduation from UT. I wasn't performing well at my job. I cried every single day and went through several periods of not being able to eat for days at a time.

The 26th of this month will mark the five month mark of our breakup. I have been in counseling for close to three months and haven't managed to accomplish much. I feel like my life is still so imcomplete without him.

Not sure what I was hoping for by telling you all of this, other than to let everyone know what is going on in my life. My problems seem so insignificant compared to others', but this is real for me. At the age of 24, this is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life and I'm not sure where to go from here.

what i need...

2009-09-02T10:16:00.002-05:00

...is some motivation. Badly.

Yesterday was supposed to be my "it's the first day of september and the first day of my new habits and the first day of the new me" day. I planned to get off work and go straight to the gym and then to the grocery store and then cook a yummy healthy dinner. Sounded good to me.

Then real life happened. I got off work, went home and fell asleep. Not sure if I'm still wiped out from my three day weekend in Houston playing with nieces and nephews or if I'm coming down with something, but I wasn't waking up for anything yesterday. I slept from around 5:00 until 9:30. Then took a shower, checked some emails, and went back to sleep around 10:45 and didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning. And yes, I still feel like I could sleep.

So day one went not so great. Day two needs to be better. If I had the funds in my checking account, I would totally head out for some new workout clothes to motivate me. Saw some super cute, dry-wick t-shirts in beautiful colors at Target for only $10 each. I want.

My question to all of you working-out girls: what is your motivation and can you send some my way?

A couple of favors from everyone out there in blogworld

2009-08-28T15:03:00.002-05:00

first of all, i need a job. badly. i currently work as a nanny. a nanny with a bachelor's degree. there's a good reason for doing this, but things aren't going the direction they once were. so i need to find a new job. a real job. something that uses my fabulous degree.

so my question to all of you is this: does anyone have any good job leads? i've been looking at UT's job search (because i really would like to work at the university), city of austin, travis county, etc. my degree is in applied learning and development and my minor is in business foundations. what does that mean exactly? not sure. i will do basically anything.

second favor: my favorite band of all time, the flatcar rattlers, are trying to win a spot at ACL in october. the first round of voting ends today at midnight. please go vote for them! they definitely made it to round two, and hopefully when round three opens, you can go vote for them again. to vote, go to http://delllounge.com/soundandthejury/Flatcar-Rattlers/default.aspx

to hear some more of their music, go to www.myspace.com/flatcarrattlers

they will be playing at beerland in the red river district next friday, september 4th, and at jovita's on S. 1st on saturday, september 12th.

Bienvenu

2009-08-28T12:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my newest blog. I've had a couple but decided it was time for a new one because a) my original blog is from my junior college days where the most important things going on were hooking up with baseball players and being angry that it was snowing, and b) my "regular" blog is on myspace and I just don't think everyone is myspacing so much these days.

Thus, The Chronicles of Jish was created ten minutes ago.

What exactly is a Jish, you ask? That's me. Or rather, the name bestowed upon me by my nephew Jaden when he was first learning to talk. He couldn't quite say Jess and it came out Jish. And the name has stuck. Now everyone, friends included, call me Jish. Jaden is now almost 6 years old and just started Kindergarten this week :).

This blog is intended to be a creative outlet where I can talk about things going on in my life, such as being a recent UT grad searching for a job in this crappy job market, or the constant ups and downs of my relationship/non-relationship with my ex. I will also delve into the world of fashion, sports, music, television, movies and yes, you will get to witness my 101 goals (which I started months ago).

So happy Friday, August 28, 2009 to all of you and this is the start of something beautiful.