seriously missing cake right now

day three of gluten free and i'm doing good, but starting to crave the yummy stuff.  C. and i went to kerbey lane for dinner (our usual place, really) and all i wanted was a freaking slice of red velvet cake and a glass of milk.  but i was good and passed on it.  because there is a wedding i must attend in about nine weeks.  not only will M., the hot musician be there, but Ass Hat will as well.  so i not only have to impress one guy, i have to make another one feel like an idiot.  so i need to look good.

however, i will be breaking the gluten free diet for two occasions.  the first is my 25th birthday, which is a week from friday.  i'm allowing myself to indulge in cake, yummy food, and copious amounts of vodka. 

the second occasion is a visit by my best friends JBH and SDD from up north.  we all went to school together up in nebraska about five years ago and we only get to see each other about once or twice per year.  this will be their first trip to austin and i'm so thrilled they will finally get to experience it.  this means eating out at the best restaurants austin has to offer for four straight days.

but seriously, after that, no more cake.  or pasta, bread, beer, biscuits, or anything else that makes me smile.

Making progress!

In the last two weeks, I have made notable progress in my life.  I've had some epiphanies.  I've come to terms with my past.  And I've gotten a lot of stuff done.

A few weeks ago, there were three guys I had on my mind.  One was Ass Hat.  One was Work Guy, Z.  And one was the musician, M.  Ass Hat and I may have had a breakthrough in out torrid crazy relationship.  And the breakthrough is that the relationship is so over and done, it isn't even funny.  But we just might be able to make the friendship work.  We're comfortable around each other and we know how to talk to each other.  The biggest problem is that I'll never trust him.  So the big question is, How good of a friend can he be if I don't trust him at all?  I suppose time will tell.

Z. was never going to happen.  He's a couple of years younger than me and still in the college frame of mind.  Translation: "Let's get wasted six nights per week."  May have been fun, but completely unfulfilling. 

And then there is M.  I really like him.  Like, really like him.  The problem is that I've felt for the last six months that he is completely out of my league and too good for me.  He's gorgeous, freaking smart and amazingly talented.  He's kind of shy, but fun to talk to once he opens up.  And I've worked on getting to know him better over the last couple of months.  My major epiphany is this: no, he's not too good for me or out of my league.  I'm beautiful, I'm smart and I have my own amazing talents.  So he's not better than me at all.  I deserve someone like him and if he's what I want, then I should go after it.  So I am.

I'm letting go of my reservations and I'm going all in.  There's an old saying that says to get big rewards, you have to take big risks.  I may get rejected and my heart may be broken all over again, but I'll never know if I don't try.  And it may change my life. 

My challenge for everyone else is to not hesitate and to go after something you want. 

Something wrong with me

I can't make friends.  I try and I try and it just doesn't happen.  I've lived in Austin for three years now and I can literally count on one hand the number of good friends I have.  Or even just decent friends.  And I have no idea what the problem is.

I desperately want more friends around me, but it seems like no one is interested in being friends with me.  Am I that socially awkward?  I know I'm fairly introverted, but I'm not painfully shy by any means.  I can carry a good conversation, I'm intelligent and witty, and I feel like I'm friendly.  I like to go out, I like to stay in, and I'm laid back enough to generally go with the flow.  So why is it that nobody wants to do anything with me?

Please don't mistake this post as whining.  That is not the objective at all.  I honestly want to know the answers to these questions.  It's Friday night and I'm alone.  Tomorrow night I will go out to a show, where I will know many people, but only one will really be a "friend".  The rest will just be people I know that, if asked and giving the honest truth, wouldn't consider me a friend.  Everyone else will ride there together and laugh and joke together and I will drive by myself.  I asked for a ride and the car was full.  And I couldn't think of another friend in this city to ride with or take with me to the show.  Afterwards, I will drive myself home and then spend the remainder of the weekend alone because there isn't anyone else there.

I'm so tired of being a loner.  This isn't who I want to be anymore.

Awkwardness

So there is a guy that works with me at the bank that I have started to like in the past few weeks.  He took me under his wing and trained me the most of anyone there.  We had lunch together a few times and have gone to happy hour with others from work.  He has given me rides to places and offered to drive me back to my car afterwards.  When I invited a few people to a Flatcar show, he was the only one who seemed the slightest bit interested and he gave me his number so I could let him know about the show.  He texted me a lot this past weekend while he was out of town.  He asks about things going on in my life and seems interested when we discuss them. 

So I have taken all of this to mean that he's somewhat interested.  I'm somewhat interested and I feel I have made that known to him.  So last night I texted him about a get together I'm going to later this week and invited him.  And he didn't even respond.  At all.  Not even a "No, thanks."  Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe he was just busy or didn't have his phone on him or something else that could be true but most likely isn't.  But chances are, he's not interested and things at work may have just gotten awkward.

Advice needed: what do I do from here?  Pretend like I didn't send the text and he didn't ignore me and go about life as normal?  Ask if he got the text, potentially leading to a face-to-face rejection?  Assume he got the text and ignored me and back off from being work friends with him a bit?

(I have intentionally never made feelings for coworkers made before specifically to avoid these awkward situations.)