I so want to love this time of year

I really, really love holidays.  I love family get-togethers.  I love holiday desserts.  I love Christmas trees and stockings and presents and wrapping paper.  I love (most) Christmas carols.  I love reindeer and elves and snowmen.  I love hot chocolate and candy canes.

But I hate Christmas.

Without fail, I spend weeks leading up to the holiday wondering where it will be spent.  Who will take pity on me and invite me to spend it with them?  Will anybody buy me a gift?

You see, when I was a kid, we had Christmas.  But when I was 14, my parents divorced.  My mom and brother and sister all somehow became Jehovah's Witnesses.  JWs do not celebrate Christmas.  But I am not a JW and I do celebrate Christmas.  At least I try.  When everyone else I know is planning their migrations home, I'm trying to figure out if any of my extended family is bothering to get together this year.  When everyone else gives their parents their wish lists, I can only dream of the things I would ask for.  I haven't received a notable gift in 11 years.  I'm lucky if I make it out of December with more than a picture frame or bottle of shower gel from a well-meaning cousin. 

The traditions I grew up with and loved are long gone.  The only tradition I have now for Christmas is crying. 

Gluten-free discoveries

Here are a few things I have learned about in the past few days.

1.) Christmas time sucks being gluten-free.  Working at the bank, with many regular customers, we get all sorts of free stuff.  And people start to bring more of it during the holidays.  During the last three days, customers have baked us cookies, brownies, and candy.  And Starbucks brought us all brownies.  I couldn't eat any of it.  The only free gift I could participate in were the potholders one customer brought us.  Yep, potholders.  Merry Christmas, indeed.

2.) On a more optimistic note, gluten-free food can be delicious.  Last night I made fish tacos at home.  If you've ever been lucky enough to have a fish taco from Berryhill, you know how insanely good they are.  I don't eat them at many other places.  The traditional Berryhill version has crunchy, tempura-fried whitefish, thinly sliced red cabbage, cilantro and this amazing pink chipotle sauce, all served in double corn tortillas.  I could drink the sauce by itself.  It is that good.  Not being able to eat the tempura (sad), I made my own version at home last night.  I coated fresh tilapia filets in a mixture of gluten-free all-purpose flour and cornmeal, and seasoned with kosher salt and fresh ground pepper.  I pan-fried the filets in a little canola oil.  I served them in warm corn tortillas with mixed greens, diced avocado and HEB's Raspberry Chipotle Ranch Dip.  They are not anything like the originals from Berryhill, but delicious nonetheless.

3.) Chocolate is a necessity.  Remember Little Debbie's Nutty Buddy Bars?  The two chocolate-peanut butter wafer bars?  Fond childhood memory.  Not gluten-free.  But there is a brand sold in grocery stores called Schar.  They sell gluten-free pastas, cookies, breadsticks, and most importantly, Chocolate Hazelnut Bars.

They are an even better version of Little Debbie's.  They are fabulous.  And they are gone.  I need to buy more.

Week Two

On to the next week!  Last week went really well for not only radically changing my eating habits, but getting used to planning and cooking every night, PLUS keeping up with a running regimen.  But I did it.

My schedule with the meals from last week got a little off.  On Thursday, I forgot to thaw out my chicken for the white chili, so I had leftover Zucchini Lasagna.  Then on Friday, when I had thawed chicken, I met my sister after work and we grabbed gluten-free chocolate muffins from Mr. Natural.  It was delicious, but kind of killed my appetite, so I had a dinner of chips and guacamole when I got home.  I finally got around to making white chili yesterday, and skipped the gluten-free alfredo pasta altogether.  The white chili and the lasagna were both excellent, considering I didn't use any recipes for either.  I'll be eating leftover chili for lunch and dinner tonight, since it made a ridiculously huge pot.

The rest of my week looks like this:

Tuesday: Roasted Salmon and Asparagus (I just put a little olive oil, soy sauce and balsamic vinegar on my salmon and cook for 12-13 minutes and it's done)

Wednesday: G-F Penne Alfredo w/ Peas and Mushrooms (Finally)

Thursday: Thanksgiving dinner
My dinner will most likely include turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, G-F green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, G-F corn pudding, and G-F pumpkin pie.  The only part I will miss is the stuffing and gravy.

Friday: Leftovers.  Of course.

I promise I'll find a new topic of blogging soon

Eating gluten-free is not only not as hard as I thought it would be, it's actually kind of easy.  With a bit of planning.  My diet pitfalls in the past always had to do with poor planning.  Grocery shopping was done sporadically.  I'd be out of cereal and milk, so I'd stop for kolaches on my way to work.  Nothing to pack for a lunch to bring with me to work, so I'd run over to the BBQ place around the corner.  I'd stop by the grocery store on my home from work, starving, so I'd buy dinner food, plus snacks and dessert.  It was terrible.

This week, however, with a stocked kitchen and a plan for what to make, it's really a no-brainer.  My steak and mashed potatoes were delicious.  My homemade burrito bowl was almost as good as Chipotle's.  And my zucchini lasagna last night was great (except for the zucchini still being slightly crisp).  Now the only part of this whole thing I hate is ALL THE DISHES.

Thanksgiving will be tough.  It's my favorite holiday ever.  I typically bake two pies, homemade cornbread stuffing, sweet potatoes with streusel topping, corn pudding, and homemade yeast rolls.  NONE of that is gluten-free.  So this year, I'm not going to try to recreate everything, just the ones that will be simple.  I'll forgo the stuffing this year (so sad about that).  Skipping the rolls, because there's no way in hell a gluten-free yeast roll can really taste normal.  The sweet potatoes will be easy.  The only part that has flour is the topping.  The potatoes can stay buttery, brown sugary and delicious.  The topping will still have brown sugar and pecans.  It will be awesome.  I'm also doing a completely homemade green bean casserole.  Canned cream of mushroom soup, and the french fried onions, are very glutenous.  So I'm making a cream of mushroom with cornstarch in place of flour.  And scratch fried onions.  And finally, the corn pudding.  It's a family tradition.  No holiday is complete without it.  The original recipe calls for Jiffy Corn Muffin mix, creamed corn, butter/oil, eggs, onion and sharp cheddar.  I'm merely swapping the Jiffy for a gluten free cornbread mix.  Voila.  Oh, and I'm letting Whole Foods handle dessert with a G-F pumpkin pie. 

Also, day 2 of 10k training was so much easier than day 1. I went out last night and barely broke a sweat.  The stiffness and soreness is gone.  And I felt a lot faster and stronger, already.  This please me greatly.

Does anyone have any holiday recipes that are naturally gluten-free or could be easily adapted?

Monday, Monday

I'm pleased to report that day one if gluten free was a smashing success.  I feel good today.  It is in fact possible to go 24 hours without eating, or even craving, cake.  Who knew?

I am also pleased that today I began training for the Cap 10k, which is being held on March 27, 2011.  I already know your next question: "Who needs over four months to train for a six mile run?"  I do.  I've read 10k training plans and they're all fine and great if you are already a reasonably seasoned runner.  I'm not.  So I'm prefacing the 10k training with just regular ole' running training.  Day one is in the books.

After 10, yes 10, glorious, amazing, restful, peaceful ad lovely days of vacation, I head back to the bank tomorrow.  It helps knowing that I have two, four day work weeks in a row.  Countdown to Thanksgiving is on.

Week One

It has been over three months since I've posting anything on this blog.  Not because I don't have anything to say.  Mostly because I don't have much to say that I feel will impact my readers somehow.  That, and the fact that I only have a few readers.

But today, Sunday, November 14, 2010, I have something very important to share with my few readers and whoever stumbles across my little slice of the interwebs: I am going gluten-free.  Not halfheartedly.  100% giving up the pasta, pizza, cookies, cake and other delicious baked goods that are so prevalent in my life.  Having to pick and choose what I can and cannot eat next week at Thanksgiving dinner.  Having to plan ahead on what I can eat at a restaurant.  And prepping and cooking the majority of my meals at home, unable to rely on fast food or prepared foods from the grocery store deli.  Shopping for groceries tonight took close to two hours, as I went up and down each aisle, studying labels and reading ingredient lists.  This is my new life.

And you know what? I'm psyched. Amped. Pumped.  Jazzed. Because I have discovered that gluten is making me feel like shiz.  I'm not a full-blown celiac (that I know of...still waiting on blood tests and stuff to confirm).  But I'm one step below that.  I have a skin condition called dermatitis herpaformis.  I'll spare the nasty details, but gluten is causing me and my skin to be miserable.  Itching and inflammation 24 hours a day.  Not to mention low energy and fatigue.  And quite possibly a link to my depression.  Please let there be a link to my depression.

So for now and the foreseeable future, gluten and I are not friends.  Gluten is found in wheat, rye, barley and a few other grains.  And they are found in a lot of stuff.  So starting today, I'm planning my weekly meals and shopping for all of them on Sunday evening.  Here's what this week's dinners look like:

Monday: Broiled NY strip and mashed potatoes/carrots
My mom used to add carrots to our mashed potatoes when I was a kid and it was always so good.  It makes them a little sweeter and gives them an awesome yellowy orange color.  Just boil carrot chunks right along with your potato chunks and then mash them when they get good and tender.  I'm adding butter, half and half, and Parmesan to mine.

Tuesday: Using leftover steak to create my own version of Chipotle's burrito bowl at home. 
Boiling my rice with cilantro and lime juice, canned black beans fancied up with cayenne pepper and cumin, green tomatillo salsa, sour cream, jack cheese, guacamole and lettuce.

Wednesday: Zucchini lasagna
I'm slicing my zucchini lengthwise into thin strips to take place of the lasagna noodles.  Other than that, it will be fairly traditional lasagna fare.  HEB sells ground pork with Italian seasonings, so you don't have to spend time removing Italian sausage from the casings to brown it.  I'm mixing my meat with Arrabiata sauce, and layering it with the zucchini and a ricotta/mozzarella mixture. And possibly a Bechemel sauce thickened with cornstarch instead of flour.

Thursday: Chicken & Green Chili Stew
I won't be following a recipe. This will be my first time making it, so I hope it isn't a huge disaster.  I'll poach my chicken breasts in gluten-free chicken broth, then create a stew/soup thing by adding onion, garlic, red and green bell peppers, chopped green chilis, corn, cumin, and a bit of half and half to make it a little creamy.  Topping it off with shredded jack cheese and crushed tortilla chips. 

Friday: Gluten-free penne with Alfredo sauce, peas and mushrooms
I've had G-F pasta before and it really isn't too bad.  Doesn't quite have the bite that traditional al dente pasta does, but I can deal with that.  Basic alfredo sauce of butter, cream, and Parmesan. Sauteeing some white button mushrooms and throwing in some frozen green peas. Voila.

Does anyone else follow a G-F diet, or another special diet?  Any tips or meal ideas?

Dream-killing moment

I was sitting at the bank the other day, making a mental list of all the other jobs in the world I'd rather be doing than cashing checks.  There were a lot, but that is beside the point.  Near the top of my list was the FBI.  Solving crimes and looking good doing it.  I've always wanted to be part of the Missing Persons department, a la Without a Trace, or crack down on drug trafficking in the DEA.  Which I suppose is not in the FBI at all.  Whatevs.

Anyway, I decided to look and see what the requirements are to join the FBI.  Let's put it this way: it will never happen.  Not only do I have to be some kind of foreign language speaking, computer and science genius, but I must be an Olympic-caliber athlete. 

So I have accepted that I won't be wielding a gun and chasing down bad guys for the government in this lifetime, but I have decided that I will meet the physical requirements one day.  I will do 42 sit-ups in under a minute, run a 300 m sprint in under one minute, do more than 22 perfect push-ups and somehow run 1.5 miles in under 13 minutes.  (Nevermind the fact that the fastest mile I have ever run in my life was 10:02 during my senior year of high school.  Somehow I'll fit that other half mile in those last three minutes.)

Pretty sure my starting point is light years away from these goals, but that's the point of a goal, right?  Maybe in this time I will also learn Russian and how to build a computer.

Note to self

Dear Self:

You are 25 years old.  You have a history of being a remarkably responsible girl.  You usually do the right thing.  Let's see if we can try to always do the right thing, ok?

For comparison's sake, let's look at an example of what the wrong thing to do would be:

• Drinking nearly two bottles of wine and two Irish car bombs at a party with all of your coworkers, managers, and two regional managers 
• Inviting your ex to the party with you, especially when you have feelings for a coworker who is, in fact, at the party
• Offering to drive Coworker Crush home because he is too drunk, when you yourself are in no condition to drive.  It is impolite to invite Ex to a party and leave with Coworker Crush.
• Make feelings for Coworker Crush known during the drive.  Feelings that you have had for several months and never spoken of to him.
• Instead of taking Coworker Crush home and meeting Ex back at his house, as promised, letting Coworker Crush convince you that going to 6th Street to do shots is a good idea.
• Doing a shot of Patron and a Jaegerbomb within 30 seconds of each other at Bar #1, and chasing them with a shot of Jameson and a cranberry vodka ten minutes later at Bar #2.
• You and Coworker Crush autographing each others' arms with a Sharpie you found on the sidewalk.
• Befriending a stranger named Tracey at Bar #2, talking to her for all of three minutes and exchanging numbers and promising to hangout soon.
• Deciding that you are still ok to drive after these 45 furious minutes downtown.
• Trying to find your way to Coworker Crush's apartment off of East Riverside as he is passed out in the passenger seat.
• Dropping off Coworker Crush and then realizing that you are wasted.  You start puking in the parking lot.
• Texting Ex and asking him to come get you because you can't drive home.
• Texting incoherent and shoddy directions to Ex because you have absolutely no idea where you are.  It eventually takes him close to an hour to find you.
• Sleeping in Ex's bed with him and allowing him to buy you breakfast tacos the next morning and drive you back to your car.
• Spending all of Sunday in bed and useless with a wicked hangover.

Pretty much none of that is even remotely close to being the right thing to do.  So if we could avoid these types of decisions in the future, that would be excellent.

Sincerely, 
J.

SuperAwesome Austin Weekend

I've lived in Austin for close to 3.5 years now, and somehow this weekend I have manged to have the most Austin-ish weekend yet.  Nothing new, really, but with my friend Mandy visiting from St. Louis, we only have a few days to pack all of the cool stuff in to.

Friday night Flatcar Rattlers played at the Continental Club, which quickly became one of my all-time favorite venues.  They played with two other incredible bands, and it was Phil's last show with the band.  It was an epic night to say the least.

Despite having to work on Saturday morning (with a hangover) Saturday was a fun-filled day with Mandy.  Lunch at Shady Grove, followed by shopping for new running shoes.  I know Austinites love RunTex, but I went to Hill Country Running on South Lamar and had a much better experience.  Walked out with Asics Gel-Kayano 16s with a hefty price tag.  After a much needed nap, we hit Alamo Drafthouse for Robin Hood.  Seriously lame movie, but queso fries, grilled cheese and prosecco made it tolerable.  Especially the prosecco.  I love the Drafthouse!

Today I laced up the new Asics and we headed down to Town Ladybird Lake and walked three miles, then rented kayaks.  The shoes felt great.  The kayaking, not so much.  Harder than it looks.  I've concluded that watercrafts make me look like a spaz.  But I still intend to continue kayaking and get better at it so that I can own my own.  Refer to weight-loss reward chart two posts back.

Tonight includes margaritas and fish tacos at Hula Hut.  Tomorrow I have to work (boo) but more fun with Mandy after work.  And dinner somewhere Austin-ish.  Kerbey?  Perhaps.  How is it evenly humanly possible for this great city to be so damn cool?

Is it possible I've gotten the hang of this?

So I mentioned I want to lose 100 pounds.  And I've had this plan for several years.  I've had the real hardcore plan for several months.  I've been putting this plan into action for several days.

So no, I don't believe I've actually gotten the hang of losing weight just yet.  But changes are definitely afoot.

For example, Old Jess would come home from her early morning job and crawl back into bed for 45 minutes until she absolutely had to get up and go to real job.  New Jess?  Gets home and laces up the running shoes and runs ginormous wicked hills for 30 minutes.  Old Jess stopped at Taco Shack for 2 Shack Tacos and a Dr Pepper 4 out of 5 mornings every week (the 5th usually belonged to Einstein Bros.) This week?  A smoothie whipped up in my own kitchen after running said ginormous wicked hills.  Old Jess liked to "lounge" and "relax" in the evenings after work.  New Jess goes out for more running and cooks dinner every evening.

I am proud of my still-forming habits.  I feel good this week, minus the aching muscles part.  I'm hoping to see a smaller number on the scale on Sunday.  Which means that Mandy's last minute appearance in Austin this weekend cannot derail me.  And neither can Hula Hut margaritas.

Bold claim

I am going to lose 100 pounds.  There, I said it. 

Is it hard to admit that I have 100 pounds to lose?  Yes.  Will it be difficult?  Very.  Does it need to be done?  Definitely.  Do I have a plan?  You betcha.

Remember back in the day when your parents or teachers set up a reward system?  Take out the trash and you get a popsicle!  Do your homework and you get a shiny gold star!  Yes?  Ok.  My goal is to reward myself well for the efforts it will take to lose the weight.  Every 5 pounds will earn a damn good reward.

Note: I love pedicures, so I will love to get them often, but also, if I'm running as much as I should be to be losing the weight, my feet will need the extra pampering.

-5: Buy The Girl That Played with Fire
-10: Pedicure
-15: $50 shopping trip
-20: Pedicure + massage
-25: Professional haircut + color
-30: Pedicure + facial
-35: Buy a bathing suit (I haven't bought a bathing suit in years)
-40: Pedicure + new workout clothes
-45: $100 shopping trip
-50: Weekend getaway to location of my choosing
-55: Buy fancy new pots and pans
-60: Pedicure + new makeup
-65: $150 shopping trip
-70: Pedicure + new pair of shoes
-75: Buy a kayak
-80: Pedicure + bikini wax
-85: Get a dog!!!
-90: Pedicure + buy a bikini
-95: Get teeth laser-whitened
-100: A vacation to a new place anywhere in the U.S.

I don't have a time frame in mind for this undertaking.  Obviously, the sooner, the better, but I'm not going to set unrealistic goals that are unattainable.  I'm just going to focus on the 5 pounds in front of me.  And then the next 5.  And so on.  Eventually, they'll add up for amazing results.

What do you reward yourself with?

so not too long ago...

i wrote that Ass Hat and I may have found a way to make this crazy messed up friendship of ours work.  Literally, a few days later, we had a knock-down-drag-out fight that left me believing we would never speak to each other again.  Amazingly enough, he apologized, I apologized and we had a deeply honest heart-to-heart discussion that surprised me.  Then we had dinner together two nights later.

My birthday is this Friday and I told him that he's invited if he wants to come.  We have a ton of mutual friends, who will be at the party, and he's been there for me a lot recently.  Why wouldn't I invite him?  Right?  Because my friend acted like I was insane for even considering it.  Granted, she is allowed to hate him for the way he has treated me in the past.  And she is allowed to think it is better if I never speak to him again.  But she honestly thinks that he shouldn't be included.

Am I wrong for attempting to be a good friend and invite him?  Because I know that if the situation was reversed, I would be hurt if he didn't invite me, after we had both made an attempt at being friends and all of our mutual friends were coming.

All I really know is that I. Don't. Want. A. Drama. Filled. Birthday.

seriously missing cake right now

day three of gluten free and i'm doing good, but starting to crave the yummy stuff.  C. and i went to kerbey lane for dinner (our usual place, really) and all i wanted was a freaking slice of red velvet cake and a glass of milk.  but i was good and passed on it.  because there is a wedding i must attend in about nine weeks.  not only will M., the hot musician be there, but Ass Hat will as well.  so i not only have to impress one guy, i have to make another one feel like an idiot.  so i need to look good.

however, i will be breaking the gluten free diet for two occasions.  the first is my 25th birthday, which is a week from friday.  i'm allowing myself to indulge in cake, yummy food, and copious amounts of vodka. 

the second occasion is a visit by my best friends JBH and SDD from up north.  we all went to school together up in nebraska about five years ago and we only get to see each other about once or twice per year.  this will be their first trip to austin and i'm so thrilled they will finally get to experience it.  this means eating out at the best restaurants austin has to offer for four straight days.

but seriously, after that, no more cake.  or pasta, bread, beer, biscuits, or anything else that makes me smile.

Making progress!

In the last two weeks, I have made notable progress in my life.  I've had some epiphanies.  I've come to terms with my past.  And I've gotten a lot of stuff done.

A few weeks ago, there were three guys I had on my mind.  One was Ass Hat.  One was Work Guy, Z.  And one was the musician, M.  Ass Hat and I may have had a breakthrough in out torrid crazy relationship.  And the breakthrough is that the relationship is so over and done, it isn't even funny.  But we just might be able to make the friendship work.  We're comfortable around each other and we know how to talk to each other.  The biggest problem is that I'll never trust him.  So the big question is, How good of a friend can he be if I don't trust him at all?  I suppose time will tell.

Z. was never going to happen.  He's a couple of years younger than me and still in the college frame of mind.  Translation: "Let's get wasted six nights per week."  May have been fun, but completely unfulfilling. 

And then there is M.  I really like him.  Like, really like him.  The problem is that I've felt for the last six months that he is completely out of my league and too good for me.  He's gorgeous, freaking smart and amazingly talented.  He's kind of shy, but fun to talk to once he opens up.  And I've worked on getting to know him better over the last couple of months.  My major epiphany is this: no, he's not too good for me or out of my league.  I'm beautiful, I'm smart and I have my own amazing talents.  So he's not better than me at all.  I deserve someone like him and if he's what I want, then I should go after it.  So I am.

I'm letting go of my reservations and I'm going all in.  There's an old saying that says to get big rewards, you have to take big risks.  I may get rejected and my heart may be broken all over again, but I'll never know if I don't try.  And it may change my life. 

My challenge for everyone else is to not hesitate and to go after something you want. 

Something wrong with me

I can't make friends.  I try and I try and it just doesn't happen.  I've lived in Austin for three years now and I can literally count on one hand the number of good friends I have.  Or even just decent friends.  And I have no idea what the problem is.

I desperately want more friends around me, but it seems like no one is interested in being friends with me.  Am I that socially awkward?  I know I'm fairly introverted, but I'm not painfully shy by any means.  I can carry a good conversation, I'm intelligent and witty, and I feel like I'm friendly.  I like to go out, I like to stay in, and I'm laid back enough to generally go with the flow.  So why is it that nobody wants to do anything with me?

Please don't mistake this post as whining.  That is not the objective at all.  I honestly want to know the answers to these questions.  It's Friday night and I'm alone.  Tomorrow night I will go out to a show, where I will know many people, but only one will really be a "friend".  The rest will just be people I know that, if asked and giving the honest truth, wouldn't consider me a friend.  Everyone else will ride there together and laugh and joke together and I will drive by myself.  I asked for a ride and the car was full.  And I couldn't think of another friend in this city to ride with or take with me to the show.  Afterwards, I will drive myself home and then spend the remainder of the weekend alone because there isn't anyone else there.

I'm so tired of being a loner.  This isn't who I want to be anymore.

Awkwardness

So there is a guy that works with me at the bank that I have started to like in the past few weeks.  He took me under his wing and trained me the most of anyone there.  We had lunch together a few times and have gone to happy hour with others from work.  He has given me rides to places and offered to drive me back to my car afterwards.  When I invited a few people to a Flatcar show, he was the only one who seemed the slightest bit interested and he gave me his number so I could let him know about the show.  He texted me a lot this past weekend while he was out of town.  He asks about things going on in my life and seems interested when we discuss them. 

So I have taken all of this to mean that he's somewhat interested.  I'm somewhat interested and I feel I have made that known to him.  So last night I texted him about a get together I'm going to later this week and invited him.  And he didn't even respond.  At all.  Not even a "No, thanks."  Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe he was just busy or didn't have his phone on him or something else that could be true but most likely isn't.  But chances are, he's not interested and things at work may have just gotten awkward.

Advice needed: what do I do from here?  Pretend like I didn't send the text and he didn't ignore me and go about life as normal?  Ask if he got the text, potentially leading to a face-to-face rejection?  Assume he got the text and ignored me and back off from being work friends with him a bit?

(I have intentionally never made feelings for coworkers made before specifically to avoid these awkward situations.)

Good good good things to come!

First of all, today was my first day of working by myself and alone at the bank, rather than training with a fellow teller.  I actually really enjoyed myself and I'm quite pleased with how much I've learned in three weeks.  It makes the day fly by, which is nice.

Second, I have *seriously* discovered a brilliant business that would be super successful in Austin and make me a very happy girl/entrepeneur at the same time.  I don't want to give away too many details until I'm able to put together a business plan and see if I can get some small business loans to get it started, but I will reveal that it has to do with baking.  Which is my favorite thing in the world to do.  So life would be awesome if I did it for a living.

Third, I have officially reached the point of being 100% ready and willing to start dating again.  Feelings for Ass Hat just aren't really there anymore.  And dealing with him is more of a hassle these days than anything.  I still deal with him because he has said he'd like to be friends, and he is helping me out with my car.  But I'm not interested in anymore than that.  And it's nice to be at this point.  Especially because I know of a couple of guys that I'm interested in potentially "getting to know better".  But I'm not diving into any relationships in the near future.  I'm going to make sure it's right before anything happens.

Please be nice to your bank tellers

The job has a tad more to it than you realize.  Yes, my new job is working as a bank teller.  (Don't even get me started on not being able to find a better job than this...useless college degree.)  I've always taken the bank tellers I intereacted with for granted.  Deposit my check.  Give me some cash.  Whatevs.

Wrong.  There's a heck of a lot more to it.  Knowing all sorts of information and rules and regulations.  Knowing when to get a second form of ID or knowing when you will or won't be able to cash a check.  Not to mention handling tens of thousands of dollars at a time.  It can be a little overwhelming.

So, friends, please be kind to your tellers if there is a line at the bank.  Please understand if the computer tells them to place a hold on your very large check.  It's not their decision.  And please thank them for their help.

Haven't felt this way in a long time

For the first time in months, I feel hopeful about the future.  Not only do I not dread it, I am eagerly anticipating what it brings.  Things have been going well for me lately and I have to keep believing that they will continue to get better.

As cheesy as it sounds, I came up with a perfect analogy for where my life is right now.  I am standing on one side of a river and I can clearly see my future and the life I want on the other side.  I've spent the last year wandering down the shore hoping to find a bridge that would take me to the other side.  But now I'm going to stop looking for a way across and put in the effort to build my own way across.  I'm going to do whatever it takes to get to the other side and the life that I want.

I'm going to not only kick ass at my new job to ensure raises and promotions, I'm going to continue seeking other opportunities that might lead to something better.  I'm going to drag myself out of debt this year and start setting myself up for financial success.  I'm going to pursue hobbies and interests that I've been hesitant to start or dive into.  I'm going to break the old habits that have kept me overweight and unable to live my fullest possible life.  I'm going to let go of the past and the remaining feelings from my relationship with Asshat and allow myself to not only be involved with other guys, but trust them to not rip my heart into millions of pieces.

My short term goals right now are:
*Walk to work all four days this week.  I skipped all of last week because of the weather, but temps are good this week.  The 35 minute walk does wonders for my energy the rest of the day.
*Finish all of my online training for work this week so I can hurry up and officially start working for real.
*Do all of the necessary paperwork and phone calls to manage my student loans by next Saturday.
*Research photography and cooking class options this week during the evenings.
*Go on a real life, honest to goodness date with a guy in the next four weeks before Valentine's Day.
*Buy a book this weekend and allow myself to jump into it and read until 5:00 am if I want to.

Time to start building my bridge...

Victory is mine

I have a job.  A real one.  And they are paying me and I get benefits and everything.  Today was my second day.  I have a job.

Also, weighed myself at the gym today for the first time in about four or five months and I have magically lost 12 pounds without really trying. 

I am rockin'.