I've come to a fork in the road

If you recall, yesterday I lamented the difficulty of knowing when to walk away from a relationship and when to stick it out.  Today, I'm even more confused.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I found out that the job I interviewed for and felt 99% sure I had gotten may no longer be hiring anyone.  That made me upset.  Then I found out that all of my friends decided to bail on Thanksgiving dinner, leaving me alone for the holiday.  That ruined my day.  And then I released all of my pent-up frustration with the job situation and the living situation with my sister and the friends situation and had a minor meltdown.  I needed someone to talk to and I instinctively turned to him, because he's been there for me in these kinds of situations for the last two years.

I intentionally did not bring up our relationship.  That wasn't the issue last night, so no point in dragging it into everything else going on.  But he brought it up.  He once again apologized for everything he did.  He said he realizes how terrible he was to me.  And then right before he left, he told me that he thinks of me and misses me all the time. 

One month ago, he told me he wanted me to just go away and leave him alone.  He wanted me out of his life.  Now he's giving me all sorts of signals that he wants me in his life.  I thought I wanted him out of my life because of the person he had become.  But now I keep seeing glimpses of the person I fell in love with and that's the person I still want to be with.

My family and friends would kill me if they even knew that I was considering anything happening with him.  How does anyone ever know if they're making the right decision?  There are too many what-ifs in these situations.  What if I walk away but he really is ready to be the man I need him to be?  What if I work things out with him and waste two more years for things to eventually end anyway? 

Why, oh why?

So about a month ago, my ex and I aplit for good.  We had spent 6 months "broken up" but still saw each other on a more than regular basis.  Then after all of the terrible things he did to me, I decided I wasn't doing it anymore and I walked away.  And that's what he wanted, too.  Me out of his life.  Sounds like everyone got what they want, right?

Wrong.  I know I'm better off without someone lying to me and treating me bad, but I still love the asshole and I miss him.  I have stayed strong though.  No sense trying to be a part of someone's life when they don't want you in it.

Well the ex has contacted me twice within the last five days.  Once to just shoot the breeze and chat (which I called him out on) and once to apologize for all of the things that he did.  After the first time, I thought no big deal.  He's bored, looking for someone to talk to and curious if I'm moving on and doing ok without him.  After last night, I'm starting to think he really regrets a lot of things.

Romantic comedies make it look so easy to resolve all conflict and wrap up relationships in big pretty bows as the credits roll.  They don't tell you how long to wait and see if someone regrets hurting you, or when to cut your losses and walk away.  I know it would be almost impossible for me to ever trust him again, so that should tell me to walk away right?  But I KNOW that deep down I fell in love with him because he's a good guy.  And he has some growing up to do.  Do I let him grow up before ever giving him another chance?  Do I make another attempt?  Is there a relationship god with all the answers???

Whole (Paycheck) Foods

I like Whole Foods.  I like the atmosphere.  I like the unique foods that they carry.  I could live on their jalapeno cilantro hummus and cocoa chewies.  I have to refrain from going there more than once a month or so because I literally will spend twice my predetermined food budget.

But now I want to spend every spare dime I have there.  At their cooking school.  At $65-75 a pop, the classes are pretty steep.  But they sound oh-so-worth it.  I MUST take the gnocchi class coming up in two weeks.  And the gluten free/wine class.  And the sushi class.  And the knife skills class.  And the girls' night out tapas class.  And the basic sauces class.  And about three or four others.

The idea for these classes came about yesterday as my best Austin friend, Nora K., and I were drinking copious amounts of red wine and discussing the things we want to do for fun.  Nora is married with a four year old son.  She needs some serious "me" time.  I recently got out of a very serious, long-term relationship.  I need some serious "me" time.  So we've decided it will be "our" time.  We are running the 3M Half Marathon relay together in January, so we are training together.  We want to paint pottery, so we are going together.  She wants to learn how to knit, so I'm learning with her.  I want to take photography classes, so she'll learn too.  But most importantly, she wants to learn how to cook, I want to learn how to cook better.  So Whole Foods, here we come.

Gluten Free

I have decided to take the plunge into a Gluten Free Diet. Not right now, because I can hardly afford to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter every week. But as soon as I get my first paycheck (and go to a celebratory dinner or two), it's gluten free for me. Not to mention sugar and dairy free for as long as I can stand it.

***This is not intended to be a 100% forever kind of thing, but a 95% thing with the occasional straying in an effort to be healthier but enjoy my favorite foods thing***

So what can I not eat on the Gluten Free Diet? Bread, crackers, cake, cookies, pancakes, waffles, bagels, oatmeal, biscuits, gravy, beer, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. Don't even get me started on the dairy and sugar items I'll be doing without.

Here's what I can eat: fruits and veggies (and lots of 'em), brown rice, sweet potatoes, beans, seafood, beef, chicken, salads, etc.

Is this similar to the low-carb Atkins diet? Kind of. Am I doing it because it's low-carb? Nope. I have a family with a history of diabetes. Sugars, gluten, flours, etc are not good for people with diabetes, or a predisposition to diabetes (like myself). So in an effort to avoid it, I'm giving up these things (not forever) to maintain my health (and lose a significant amount of weight).

Food that I'm actually dying to make and eat: For those of you that watch The Biggest Loser, the burgers that the black team made and ate with the famous chef dude. They made turkey burgers, but rather than using a bun, they grilled portobello mushroom caps and used those in place of bread. Not only genius, but looks and sounds delicious. I would probably make my burger with ground sirloin instead of turkey, and add lots of chopped up garlic, parsley and thyme for tons of flavor.

Stay tuned for my ups and downs and tears and cheers throughout my Gluten Free Diet experience.

Material Possession Monday

Being broke and jobless, I must satisfy my lust for material possessions by merely browsing the online shops and dreaming up wonderful events for me to wear the goods to. My current obsession is the apparel on Piperlime. The clothes are designer and well out of my budget.

Right now, I really love this dress. I freaking love the color (most items in my closet are blues and greens), I adore the easy, laid-back shape and the gathering at the waist. I would wear it to a cocktail party to stand out among the plethora of LBDs. Of course this dress calls for hundreds of lunges to get my legs in prime condition for such exposure.

"Lizbeth" Dress by Cynthia Steffe

$295.00

I am not so much a girly-girl. I rarely wear the color pink (like seriously...I think I have a fuschia sweater and maybe a couple of pairs of pink skivvies), ruffles and bows are too sweet for me, and floral motifs are not my thing. But I love leafy, foliage-inspired jewelry. My favorite necklace is a silver fern pendant. I love the clean, simplistic lines of nature-inspired accesories. So naturally (ha) I love these earrings. Also found at Piperlime.

"Olive" earrings by Gorjana
$130.00

What's a killer outfit without a killer pair of heels to complete it? While I freely admit that heels and I are not friends, I would brave the pain for a fancy party. These shoes from Target will soon be a part of my wardrobe, because the price is unbeatable, especially considering that I won't wear them all that often (the heel is 4.25"!). They also come in navy...I think I shall purchase those as well.

"Valonia" pump by Mossimo

$20.00

What material possessions are you dreaming about?