A preview of what's to come...

I spent all day today working on cleaning and organizing my house.  Like allllllll day.  It is 1:00 am and I am just getting ready for bed.  I cleaned the kitchen, I sorted laundry, I swept floors, I folded clothes, I threw things away, I donated things to Goodwill.  It was somewhat exhausting.  But also exciting.  Because I am preparing my house (really just my bedroom) for a major overhaul. 

I have lived in my wonderful, charming, quirky 1920s duplex for 18 months now.  It is in an amazing part of town and has many wonderful things about it.  But for the majority of the time I've been here, I have been a student who couldn't care less about her room or a girl going through major life changes (i.e. breakups) who couldn't care less about her room.  But now I care.

All of my inspiration comes from Anthropologie, which makes me want to throw flowers and ruffles all over everything.  That's not exactly me, so I'm having to keep things grounded while still being girly.  The changes will be small (and cheap) at first, bust slowly I will have the room of my dreams.

Coming tomorrow: before pictures of everything and some links and pictures to what I'm hoping to do with all of it.

Also look forward to my newly revamped 1001 goals later this week!

I've come to a fork in the road

If you recall, yesterday I lamented the difficulty of knowing when to walk away from a relationship and when to stick it out.  Today, I'm even more confused.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I found out that the job I interviewed for and felt 99% sure I had gotten may no longer be hiring anyone.  That made me upset.  Then I found out that all of my friends decided to bail on Thanksgiving dinner, leaving me alone for the holiday.  That ruined my day.  And then I released all of my pent-up frustration with the job situation and the living situation with my sister and the friends situation and had a minor meltdown.  I needed someone to talk to and I instinctively turned to him, because he's been there for me in these kinds of situations for the last two years.

I intentionally did not bring up our relationship.  That wasn't the issue last night, so no point in dragging it into everything else going on.  But he brought it up.  He once again apologized for everything he did.  He said he realizes how terrible he was to me.  And then right before he left, he told me that he thinks of me and misses me all the time. 

One month ago, he told me he wanted me to just go away and leave him alone.  He wanted me out of his life.  Now he's giving me all sorts of signals that he wants me in his life.  I thought I wanted him out of my life because of the person he had become.  But now I keep seeing glimpses of the person I fell in love with and that's the person I still want to be with.

My family and friends would kill me if they even knew that I was considering anything happening with him.  How does anyone ever know if they're making the right decision?  There are too many what-ifs in these situations.  What if I walk away but he really is ready to be the man I need him to be?  What if I work things out with him and waste two more years for things to eventually end anyway? 

Why, oh why?

So about a month ago, my ex and I aplit for good.  We had spent 6 months "broken up" but still saw each other on a more than regular basis.  Then after all of the terrible things he did to me, I decided I wasn't doing it anymore and I walked away.  And that's what he wanted, too.  Me out of his life.  Sounds like everyone got what they want, right?

Wrong.  I know I'm better off without someone lying to me and treating me bad, but I still love the asshole and I miss him.  I have stayed strong though.  No sense trying to be a part of someone's life when they don't want you in it.

Well the ex has contacted me twice within the last five days.  Once to just shoot the breeze and chat (which I called him out on) and once to apologize for all of the things that he did.  After the first time, I thought no big deal.  He's bored, looking for someone to talk to and curious if I'm moving on and doing ok without him.  After last night, I'm starting to think he really regrets a lot of things.

Romantic comedies make it look so easy to resolve all conflict and wrap up relationships in big pretty bows as the credits roll.  They don't tell you how long to wait and see if someone regrets hurting you, or when to cut your losses and walk away.  I know it would be almost impossible for me to ever trust him again, so that should tell me to walk away right?  But I KNOW that deep down I fell in love with him because he's a good guy.  And he has some growing up to do.  Do I let him grow up before ever giving him another chance?  Do I make another attempt?  Is there a relationship god with all the answers???

Whole (Paycheck) Foods

I like Whole Foods.  I like the atmosphere.  I like the unique foods that they carry.  I could live on their jalapeno cilantro hummus and cocoa chewies.  I have to refrain from going there more than once a month or so because I literally will spend twice my predetermined food budget.

But now I want to spend every spare dime I have there.  At their cooking school.  At $65-75 a pop, the classes are pretty steep.  But they sound oh-so-worth it.  I MUST take the gnocchi class coming up in two weeks.  And the gluten free/wine class.  And the sushi class.  And the knife skills class.  And the girls' night out tapas class.  And the basic sauces class.  And about three or four others.

The idea for these classes came about yesterday as my best Austin friend, Nora K., and I were drinking copious amounts of red wine and discussing the things we want to do for fun.  Nora is married with a four year old son.  She needs some serious "me" time.  I recently got out of a very serious, long-term relationship.  I need some serious "me" time.  So we've decided it will be "our" time.  We are running the 3M Half Marathon relay together in January, so we are training together.  We want to paint pottery, so we are going together.  She wants to learn how to knit, so I'm learning with her.  I want to take photography classes, so she'll learn too.  But most importantly, she wants to learn how to cook, I want to learn how to cook better.  So Whole Foods, here we come.

Gluten Free

I have decided to take the plunge into a Gluten Free Diet. Not right now, because I can hardly afford to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter every week. But as soon as I get my first paycheck (and go to a celebratory dinner or two), it's gluten free for me. Not to mention sugar and dairy free for as long as I can stand it.

***This is not intended to be a 100% forever kind of thing, but a 95% thing with the occasional straying in an effort to be healthier but enjoy my favorite foods thing***

So what can I not eat on the Gluten Free Diet? Bread, crackers, cake, cookies, pancakes, waffles, bagels, oatmeal, biscuits, gravy, beer, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. Don't even get me started on the dairy and sugar items I'll be doing without.

Here's what I can eat: fruits and veggies (and lots of 'em), brown rice, sweet potatoes, beans, seafood, beef, chicken, salads, etc.

Is this similar to the low-carb Atkins diet? Kind of. Am I doing it because it's low-carb? Nope. I have a family with a history of diabetes. Sugars, gluten, flours, etc are not good for people with diabetes, or a predisposition to diabetes (like myself). So in an effort to avoid it, I'm giving up these things (not forever) to maintain my health (and lose a significant amount of weight).

Food that I'm actually dying to make and eat: For those of you that watch The Biggest Loser, the burgers that the black team made and ate with the famous chef dude. They made turkey burgers, but rather than using a bun, they grilled portobello mushroom caps and used those in place of bread. Not only genius, but looks and sounds delicious. I would probably make my burger with ground sirloin instead of turkey, and add lots of chopped up garlic, parsley and thyme for tons of flavor.

Stay tuned for my ups and downs and tears and cheers throughout my Gluten Free Diet experience.

Material Possession Monday

Being broke and jobless, I must satisfy my lust for material possessions by merely browsing the online shops and dreaming up wonderful events for me to wear the goods to. My current obsession is the apparel on Piperlime. The clothes are designer and well out of my budget.

Right now, I really love this dress. I freaking love the color (most items in my closet are blues and greens), I adore the easy, laid-back shape and the gathering at the waist. I would wear it to a cocktail party to stand out among the plethora of LBDs. Of course this dress calls for hundreds of lunges to get my legs in prime condition for such exposure.

"Lizbeth" Dress by Cynthia Steffe

$295.00

I am not so much a girly-girl. I rarely wear the color pink (like seriously...I think I have a fuschia sweater and maybe a couple of pairs of pink skivvies), ruffles and bows are too sweet for me, and floral motifs are not my thing. But I love leafy, foliage-inspired jewelry. My favorite necklace is a silver fern pendant. I love the clean, simplistic lines of nature-inspired accesories. So naturally (ha) I love these earrings. Also found at Piperlime.

"Olive" earrings by Gorjana
$130.00

What's a killer outfit without a killer pair of heels to complete it? While I freely admit that heels and I are not friends, I would brave the pain for a fancy party. These shoes from Target will soon be a part of my wardrobe, because the price is unbeatable, especially considering that I won't wear them all that often (the heel is 4.25"!). They also come in navy...I think I shall purchase those as well.

"Valonia" pump by Mossimo

$20.00

What material possessions are you dreaming about?

Big plans

I have now been unemployed for four weeks. In that time, I have not had much of a social life and I've been living on bread and peanut butter. I think I'm on the verge of landing a good job with a salary. I will continue to believe so until they officially turn me down. So with the idea of a guaranteed paycheck twice a month, I've been making a list of all the things I NEED to buy:

*Car repairs...boring but necessary (especially since my ex was my free mechanic...we don't speak anymore...bad for my checking account)
*Grown up work clothes...I plan to go on one or two large sprees with my first big girl paychecks. Mostly at cheaper places like Old Navy, Target, Gap, Kohl's with a few nicer pieces from Banana Republic and maybe J. Crew thrown in. Then I will invest in one or two nicer, higher quality pieces every month. But for now I need lots of new stuff. (Completely and utterly justifiable, as I have been a nanny/college student since moving to Austin. No need for more than jeans and hoodies most days)
*Books! I have a shopping cart on Amazon full of thrillers, mysteries, cookbooks, nonfiction and more waiting to be purchased.
*Decent cookware and knives. I'm not talking Calphalon and Le Creuset here, but I've been using the same $40 pots and pans set my mom bought for me when I moved into my first apartment. It gets (most of) the job done, but I'm a foodie that loves to cook. I need some better shiz.
*Home decor. Trying to move out of the "I'm a young adult with a full time class schedule and I don't need to decorate my apartment" look. I live in a great 87 year old duplex with hardwood floors and cute details. I need to accent that. Rugs, curtains, bedframe, artwork, etc.

Now that I look at my list, I still don't think I will have money for a social life or food.

A call for help...

To my three followers:

Thanks for following my pitiful little blog. I appreciate it. And now I need to ask all three of you for a favor:

***If you know of ANYONE in Austin hiring (preferably for an Administrative Assistant), would you please please please let me know? I have been unemployed for a month now and times are getting super desperate. I am broke. I must talk to my landlord tomorrow and ask for a two week grace period on my rent.***

Thanks again girls!

Jessica

Lame serious post

Just thought I'd warn you up front.

I have been overweight my entire life. I was born 9 lbs. and never looked back. Part of it is genetics, and part of it comes from being fed fast food as a child by my father. My mother, the uber hippie that didn't allow us to eat sugary snacks and raised us to like fruits and vegetables, tried her hardest to undo the damage he did to us, but it really was never enough. Bad habits outweigh the good habits.

So here I sit at 24 years old, miserably overweight and feeling like I'm unable to do anything about it. I have a gym membership and I'll go regularly for a week or two, and then just lose the motivation. I'll get on a kick where I'm eating extremely healthy for a week or two, but then my friends will want to go out to dinner and I'll revert right back to my old habits.

My mother told me about this doctor that has a program that can change the way you look and feel in about one month, by eliminating food allergens from your diet and then slowly reintroducing them. In that one month I would have to give up gluten, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, dairy, eggs, and a few other things. That means no bread, no cheese, no desserts, no wine, no Halloween candy, etc. Tough, of course, but it could change my life to figure out what foods I'm reacting to that are causing me to gain weight. And still, I'm dragging my heels because it would be a challenge and I wouldn't get to eat my favorite foods and go to bars with friends. For one stupid month.

Am I being completely crazy? Or am I just scared to fail again, so I don't even want to take the first step?

I want it!

Today I went on Job Interview #3 of the week and it is true what they say: Third time is in fact the charm. #1 was a complete and utter waste of time. #2 was definitely not the job I thought I had been applying for. I thought it was an administrative job for an engineering firm, right? Yes and no. It was 60% administrative work for the engineering firm, 40% personal assistant work for the head of the firm, including picking up her children from school and doing her grocery shopping. Um, no thanks. First off, be a good mother and spend some time with your children instead of another two hours at the office. Second, I didn't spend years in school and thousands of dollars on my degree so I can be your lackey and pick up your dry cleaning.

But today's interview went great. Administrative work for a small, independent financial firm. I like independent. After working for a huge worldwide corporation, I'm definitely a fan of the little guys. The office is only 15 minutes from my house, and looks out over the 360 bridge and the rolling hills. Much better than being downtown and looking out the window at another building. It is salary, rather than hourly, and has room for growth within the company. Or, if I get sick of the financial industry, it provides me with excellent experience.

I am dying to hear from them because they want someone to start on November 2nd. I'm ready to start now!!!

I'm a hippie

I recycle, I eat organic, and most importantly, I wear flip flops just about every day of the year. Flat, comfortable, easy to put on and take off shoes. Emphasis on comfort.

Don't get me wrong: four inch heels are fun to look at. Christian Louboutins are drop dead gorgeous and if I had a spare $1,000 laying around at any given moment, I would give some serious thought to dropping it on a pair of his red-soled beauties.

But for the love of all things holy, high heels make make effing feet effing hurt.

I had a job interview today (for a job I don't especially want, but unemployment makes you do things you don't want to do) and I needed to look Uber Professional. That meant skirt, ironed shirt, and a ridiculously cute but professional pair of burgandy round-toe pumps. And yeah, my poor little feet are killing me. Plus, I look like a moron trying to walk around in them.

So here is my new goal: wear a pair of killer heels once a week to learn how to walk in them and acclimate myself to the ungodly pain. Then when I can do that, wear heels three times per week. That will give me four good days of flip flop comfort to recover.

Definitely my favorite time of year

I LOVE fall/autumn. A lot. There is always so much going on and so much to look forward to.

This past weekend, N. and I boycotted ACL and skipped town for Oktoberfest in Fredericksburg. We decided to do things on the cheap and camped out in a tent rather than pay for a hotel room. We ate yummy German food and drank yummy German alcoholic beverages (beer for him, wine for me). We went on our very first wine tasting at Grape Creek Vineyards. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend.

Still to come in October are several Flatcar Rattler shows, including a show at Austin's German Heritage Society's Oktoberfest. Not to mention Halloween, of course. Flatcar will be playing at Riley's on the Backbone out past San Marcos on the way to Wimberley. I will be there in all of my Greek goddess glory.

Then after that, there will be Thanksgiving!!! There are only 50 days until the Greatest of All Holidays and I really can't wait. Thanksgiving is my favorite because a) I'm a serious foodie that loves to cook and loves to eat, and b) I don't have to buy presents for everyone. Plus, there will be football. How could it not be the best day of the year?

Currently, it appears that Amanda will be making the turkey, Nora the green bean casserole, and I'll be doing everything else. My menu so far has:
*Paula Deen's Southern Cornbread Dressing
*Sweet potato casserole
*Mashed potatoes
*Macaroni & Cheese (the good homemade kind baked in the oven and topped with breadcrumbs)
*Corn pudding (a family tradition at every holiday. I will share the recipe)
*Spinach Gratin
*Homemade yeast roles
*Buttermilk pecan pie
*Magic cookie bars

I'm sure a few more desserts will make their way onto the menu, not to mention any other scrumptious recipes I find along the way.

I am now starving...

Check

Yesterday I headed over to Lucy in Disguise to browse Halloween costumes. Last year I was at a rehearsal dinner in Nebraska on Halloween, and costumes were minimal. This year I plan to do it up right.

The plan for Halloween (so far) is the Flatcar Rattlers show. Plus maybe another party if I can find one to crash. So with this agenda in mind, my costume needed to be:

a) cool, because there will be dancing and drinking and general debauchery

b) something that doesn't require a mask or face paint, because that shiz grosses me out

c) sexy*, because my ex will be there and I have to knock his socks off and make him kick himself for being an ass

With these guidelines, I narrowed it down to a Cleopatra/goddess type costume. What's sexier than a powerful woman in a white dress with heavy eyeliner and lots of jewelry? Lucy delivered the goods. Not on Cleopatra (was kind of disappointed I wouldn't get to wear some crazy cool headdress) but with the goddess costumes. Technically the one I found was named "Queen of Atlantis" but I'm just going to stick with "Goddess". It can be found here. I plan to accessorize with lots of gold jewelry, gold makeup, body shimmer, etc. It should be good.

*"Sexy" being a relative term...I'm not so much into the Sexy Firefighter Wearing a Mini Skirt type of costumes. Sexy in a more refined type of way.

As previously mentioned...

I suck at keeping up with this blog. I don't feel as creative as most of you gals, but I shall try my damndest. I'll jump on the bandwagon and talk about training for the half marathon coming up!

My sister/roommate and I decided to run the half marathon relay at the end of January, because it would give us a good reason to go out and run a few times every week. This is not our first attempt at a half. In the summer of 2005, right after I moved back from Nebraska and was in the best shape of my life, we signed up to train with the local chapter of USA Fit. My mom joined us in this attempt. She only lasted two weeks. C., my sister, lasted about a month. And me? Four whole months. I got up to running 9 miles at a time, woke up every Saturday morning around 4:00 am and did all of the weekly training runs by myself. Unfortunately, I sustained an injury to my hip flexor area and had to drop out of the training, and never actually got to run the actual race itself.

But this time I intend to do the whole thing. So far my long run is only up to around 3 miles, but I plan to start stretching them out to around 5 miles in the next week or two. I also am combining my running with twice-weekly strength sessions at the gym. And eating a healthy balanced diet.

So far I haven't lost any weight. Sucks.

Weekend recap

This weekend was a nice mix of being busy and relaxing. Too often I spend the entire weekend relaxing and accomplish nothing, or I am busy the whole time and feel like I didn't get to rest enough. But not this one.

Friday afternoon was happy hour at Jovita's on South 1st, next door to Freddie's Place. My good friends Phil and Danny (1/3 of Flatcar Rattlers) play there together during happy hour occasionally. It's usually fairly empty that time of day, but they have half price margaritas and chips and salsa, so it is totally worth going.

Saturday, my roommate/sister woke me up at 11:00 begging me to go do stuff with her. It was pouring down rain, but I did anyway. We went to get pedicures/waxed. I got a very dark purple color that looks almost black and she got bright tomato red. Totally suits both of us. We then ran through the rain to Target next door. I purchased necessary toiletries and a couple of C9 Champion dry-fit shirts for the gym. Because I am going to force myself to go to the gym at least twice this week. We then headed to Central Market for lunch from the cafe. They have the best French Onion Soup ever and a damn good antipasto panini. A trip to Whole Earth rounded out the afternoon before I headed home to watch college football for a few hours while it continued to pour down rain. Saturday night was another trip to Jovita's to see all of Flatcar Rattlers play. Greatest show ever. I may or may not have spent $48 on margaritas and shots and a bluegrass band may or may not have broken out into an impromtu Snoop Dogg song, complete with fiddle and banjo...

Yesterday was the epitome of a lazy Sunday. Didn't wake up until 12:00. Didn't change out of my pajamas until 5:00. Went to N.'s house to watch NFL football and eat pizza and drink pinot grigio last night. Pretty good ending to the weekend.

All in all, I:

• drank a lot of booze
• spent a lot of money
• watched a lot of live music
• watched a lot of football
• slept a lot

Perfect.

Sad little story

I'm a terrible blogger. Sometimes I just don't feel up to coming up with an exciting post. Other times, I feel like I don't have one interesting thing to say. I kind of feel that way today. So I'm going to tell everyone a story.

This story is about a boy named N. N. and I met in June 2007 on Craigslist (because I had just learned you can shop for people on there, too) and met for Brazilian food. Sparks flew. We were officially a couple within three days.

N. is a mechanic by day and a musician by night. Nothing even close to the type of person I would fall madly in love with but I did. He had his flaws, some of them very, very big, but I looked past them and saw the person I wanted to marry. This freaked him out a little bit, but he eventually woke up and decided that I, too, was the person he wanted to marry, but there was no official proposal. (I then immediately joined the knot, which is how I came to follow most of your blogs.) We picked a date for me to move into his house, an approximate timeframe for marriage and how many kids would be in our future. I was walking on clouds and couldn't stop smiling. He felt the same way.

In late April of this year, just six weeks before we would be celebrating our two year dating anniversary and two months before I would be moving into his house, we broke up with the understanding that we would be back together in the future. I'll spare you the sordid details of that, but my life literally fell apart. I spent the next month going through the motions without really feeling anything but pain. I almost failed a course and jeopardized my graduation from UT. I wasn't performing well at my job. I cried every single day and went through several periods of not being able to eat for days at a time.

The 26th of this month will mark the five month mark of our breakup. I have been in counseling for close to three months and haven't managed to accomplish much. I feel like my life is still so imcomplete without him.

Not sure what I was hoping for by telling you all of this, other than to let everyone know what is going on in my life. My problems seem so insignificant compared to others', but this is real for me. At the age of 24, this is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life and I'm not sure where to go from here.

what i need...

...is some motivation. Badly.

Yesterday was supposed to be my "it's the first day of september and the first day of my new habits and the first day of the new me" day. I planned to get off work and go straight to the gym and then to the grocery store and then cook a yummy healthy dinner. Sounded good to me.

Then real life happened. I got off work, went home and fell asleep. Not sure if I'm still wiped out from my three day weekend in Houston playing with nieces and nephews or if I'm coming down with something, but I wasn't waking up for anything yesterday. I slept from around 5:00 until 9:30. Then took a shower, checked some emails, and went back to sleep around 10:45 and didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning. And yes, I still feel like I could sleep.

So day one went not so great. Day two needs to be better. If I had the funds in my checking account, I would totally head out for some new workout clothes to motivate me. Saw some super cute, dry-wick t-shirts in beautiful colors at Target for only $10 each. I want.

My question to all of you working-out girls: what is your motivation and can you send some my way?

A couple of favors from everyone out there in blogworld

first of all, i need a job. badly. i currently work as a nanny. a nanny with a bachelor's degree. there's a good reason for doing this, but things aren't going the direction they once were. so i need to find a new job. a real job. something that uses my fabulous degree.

so my question to all of you is this: does anyone have any good job leads? i've been looking at UT's job search (because i really would like to work at the university), city of austin, travis county, etc. my degree is in applied learning and development and my minor is in business foundations. what does that mean exactly? not sure. i will do basically anything.

second favor: my favorite band of all time, the flatcar rattlers, are trying to win a spot at ACL in october. the first round of voting ends today at midnight. please go vote for them! they definitely made it to round two, and hopefully when round three opens, you can go vote for them again. to vote, go to http://delllounge.com/soundandthejury/Flatcar-Rattlers/default.aspx

to hear some more of their music, go to www.myspace.com/flatcarrattlers

they will be playing at beerland in the red river district next friday, september 4th, and at jovita's on S. 1st on saturday, september 12th.

Bienvenu

Welcome to my newest blog. I've had a couple but decided it was time for a new one because a) my original blog is from my junior college days where the most important things going on were hooking up with baseball players and being angry that it was snowing, and b) my "regular" blog is on myspace and I just don't think everyone is myspacing so much these days.

Thus, The Chronicles of Jish was created ten minutes ago.

What exactly is a Jish, you ask? That's me. Or rather, the name bestowed upon me by my nephew Jaden when he was first learning to talk. He couldn't quite say Jess and it came out Jish. And the name has stuck. Now everyone, friends included, call me Jish. Jaden is now almost 6 years old and just started Kindergarten this week :).

This blog is intended to be a creative outlet where I can talk about things going on in my life, such as being a recent UT grad searching for a job in this crappy job market, or the constant ups and downs of my relationship/non-relationship with my ex. I will also delve into the world of fashion, sports, music, television, movies and yes, you will get to witness my 101 goals (which I started months ago).

So happy Friday, August 28, 2009 to all of you and this is the start of something beautiful.